Sentimental Seadragon

All Made Up

I think this might be weird, but I'm curious to know if anyone else thinks of makeup in this way, or in a similar way.

When I'm putting on my makeup, I can't help but think of Photoshop.

I use foundation in places to cover redder areas, as if I am cloning from better areas. I sometimes use powder, as if to add a slight Gaussian blur. When I use eyeliner, I imagine I am adjusting curves (contrast). And when I put on mascara, I see the effect of an unsharp mask on my eyes. Lipstick and blush are a final boost of saturation.

I hadn't previously consciously thought about it like this. I just realized one day that that's what I was doing.

And let me just just plug the best Gaussian blur ever: Oil of Olay Daily Regenerating Serum. (I once bought the Enhancing Lotion instead by mistake, but the regenerating serum is definitely better.)

(I was just thinking about this now, inspired by this post by anonymous rowhouse. I don't think that putting on makeup is a rite of purification for me as she says it is for her, but it is a rite and one I would not give up easily. I don't like people to see my rough edges, from the ruddiness of my skin to the messiness of my apartment to the errors in my academic work. I try to control what I can. Even if I expect to be home all day, I usually put on a touch of makeup. I'd like to say that I do it for myself, like justrose says, "to bring the face i see more in line with the put-together way i feel inside." But I think my reasons are more self-conscious. I want to bring the face I see more in line with the put-together way I want others to see me.)

FaciliTaTory

"Can you believe this is free?!"

Yes, I just said that to J just now, about the fact that you can hear someone pronounce the word "facilitatory" on Merriam-Webster Online.

J looked up at me, unimpressed, and said only, "I've always wanted to pay for that."

Sigh.

I need to get out more.

Still, I'm happy that facilitatory is actually a word, as it should be. (I thought it was, but MS Word totally disagreed with me.)

(I suppose it goes without saying that I am not out and about tonight, but instead I am sitting in front of my computer still writing? Yeah, thought so.)

So MucH Fun

Lots of fun around here today...

This morning, I didn't go to the pot luck brunch I'd been invited to.

Then in the afternoon, I didn't go to Reading Terminal Market for the Harvest Festival. (I did, however, go to the farmer's market stands in Rittenhouse Square Park to pick up some apples for the upcoming week.)

And finally in the evening, J and I did not go to the pot luck dinner we'd been invited to.

Instead, J nursed his perpetual hacking phlegmy cough and watched his alma mater lose a big game, while I typed at my dissertation in hopes of making a dent. I think I made a nick, which I guess is better than nothing. I've still got tomorrow to finish this up (this being the 40-page introduction, and not the whole thing, of course) and there's nothing like a looming meeting with my advisor to cause words to come flying out of my fingertips and onto the virtual page.

(In case any of you are new readers to my blog, I have actually written more than just the introduction. I've also written the majority of the three content chapters, so once I'm done with the introduction, I just have bits and pieces of the content chapters to finish up, and I have to write the discussion. According to my advisor, the discussion should be "easy". We shall see about that.)

The Moon

I've been meaning to share this, but it's been sitting on my camera card for a few days.

On my way back to Philly on Monday night the moon was incredibly low in the sky and it was HUGE. It took everything I had not to pull over on the side of the highway and break out my camera and tripod.

And then, even though the moon had gotten considerably higher in the sky, when I came across a rest area, I just had to stop and try to get a picture.

1/15 sec, F/8, ISO-100
Manual Exposure, Pattern Metering
200 mm (320 mm equivalent)

(This is a 100% crop of the center of the photo - I figured you didn't care to see all the black sky around the moon.)

It's not terribly sharp - probably a combination of the somewhat long exposure and slight windiness (but I did have a tripod), the softness of this lens especially at its maximum zoom, shooting from a well lit parking lot into the dark sky, and the moon being really, really far away. Still, it's not bad. :)

PlaNs

I really wanted to go apple picking today. Some people from J's work organized a trip today and we thought about joining them, but I decided in the end that I can't sacrifice the work time and J is still sick and coughing. Plus, they were going to a farm an hour away, so we suspected this would be more of a day long adventure than just picking up some apples and cider and coming home. Still, the New England girl in me really wanted to go. (J didn't much care, I think.)

And then, on Saturday, there are all these other things that I really want to go to, but I just don't think I can do them all: a potluck brunch in the morning, the Harvest Festival at Reading Terminal Market in the afternoon (oh! just noticed it's on Sat and Sun), and a potluck dinner in the evening. But the work is going slower this week and I have to make work my first priority so that I can eventually rejoin the world...

I will say that overall the work continues to be going better. I'm more focused about what I'm writing. And I'm actually writing things and letting them stay on the page, thereby creating a draft. So it's still moving foward and I am very glad of that!

But, I will continue to confess that it's not happening without lots of internal struggle - I'm not good enough, the ideas don't really make sense, I didn't test the right things, etc. I know that I pretty much have to suspend all of these thoughts because, short of starting over, the ideas and data I have ... are what I have. And I have to remember that they are ideas and data that didn't exist before, so that alone makes them worth writing up. And I just have to remember what it is I'm writing about and what I'm not writing about.

Also, I try to keep in mind what my friend A said to me last month, that everyone's dissertations were fatally flawed in some way. My response was to throw up my hands and say, then what's the point?! Why are we doing this?! But the point, if I can hang on to it, is not about being 100% right all the time. It's to make progress with the ideas, look at things in new ways, and contribute to the larger dialog about how things work. I have to remember that the criteria is not necessarily to create a revolution within the field, but just to contribute some new thoughts and ideas. Ah, that doesn't sound so bad, does it?

Still, for every sentence I write, here is what goes through my head: Is that a worthwhile idea? Or is it stupid and they might as well fail me now? Or is that even really my idea, or did someone else basically say the same thing twenty years ago and I'm just regurgitating it? But when they said it, they weren't talking about the particular problem I am talking about, so is it really the same thing or can I be credited with extending the idea? Is this idea even worth thinking about? ... And then my little timer goes off, and I think, I just sat here for 10 minutes thinking about that stupid sentence?! Just write it and move on! So I do. And on to the next sentence.

I really wanted to go apple picking today.

A PosT AboUt TuEsdaySCominG

I have to apologize for my previous post in which I neglected to mention the GIANT role that Tuesdayscoming played in my recent visit to Baltimore.

First, he graciously offered to let me stay at his place. Then, when I said I would love to take him up on it, he said, eh, actually, next week would be better. D'ya mind? :)

But in fact did not mind, and in the end, I ended up not going to Baltimore at all. I stayed home and worked and got lots done. But I digress from the point, which is, of course, Tuesdayscoming.

The next week, I said, can I stay at your place? And this time he (and his roommate, who I would also like to mention IN CAPITAL LETTERS in case she also reads my blog and feels left out at a lack of mention) said I could come.

So I emailed them over the weekend to find out if there was anything I could pick up for them. Maybe bagels? (Shhh, Chiaroscuro about how I also offered to bring you bagels and then did not actually do so even though you said that would be very nice.) Sadly, Tuesdayscoming did not respond to my email. (But his roommate did, so it was all good.)

On Monday I showed up, parked in front of their house, walked to school, ... well, you already know all this, so I'll skip to the part where I NEGLECTED TO MENTION Tuesdayscoming where it was actually relevant.

Which is to tell you that I had dinner at Holy Frijoles WITH Tuesdayscoming. (And with S and B too. I am not aware of them reading my blog, but if they do, HI TO YOU TOO! I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YOU EITHER AND I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE NON MENTION!)

Anyway, food was had, conversation was bantered about (Tuesdayscoming is quite the gossip, you know*), and before I got on the road to go home, Tuesdayscoming and his roommate graciously allowed me to use their bathroom.

I hope you, and Tuesdayscoming himself, can all forgive me for the great oversight in which I did not mention him in my previous post.

And now, I am off to eat my garlic chicken and garlic brussel sprouts based on all of your recommendations on my previous post that I douse myself in garlic (as well as green tea, peppermint tea, ginger, lemon, and honey). I've done the tea, and now it's time for the garlic. (Apologies to anyone who works with J and may have stumbled across my blog - he will probably stink of garlic a bit tomorrow too.)

* Okay, he's not really. I'm just trying to instigate.

FeeLinG

What do you take to feel better when you're not really having any symptoms other than not really feeling well?

I am a little bit cold, in a sort of feverish way, but I don't think I have a fever. (If anything my temperature is below normal, because that's just the way my body runs.)

My nose is a little bit runny, but nothing that a tissue won't fix.

My stomach is a bit nauseous, but I'm not about to throw up.

My head is a little bit achy, but I don't actually have a headache.

My muscles are also a little bit achy, but wearing a sweater keeps me warm enough for it not to be a big problem.

But mostly I'm tired.

So I'm not really sick, but I don't feel well.

I can probably ignore and work through it. But if there's something I could take to feel a little better and work more productively, I will. So I turn to you, the internet, to see whether you have any suggestions.

Keep at mind that I am at home, so yes, I can make that cup of tea with honey and sit here wrapped in a blanket with my cat on my lap *. I'm not much of a pill popper by habit, so I don't have an arsenal of medicines to choose from. But I think I can brave the outdoors and pick something up though if anyone has a good suggestion as to what I should get.

* I know I said I would be in Baltimore this week, and I was. Been there and done that, all yesterday. I drove in the morning, parked in Hampden, walked to school uphill both ways carrying everything I own because I wasn't sure about leaving it in the car (my camera, two lenses, a tripod, my laptop, a stack of folders, and a couple of books) while wearing a black sweater in 80 degree heat, met with my advisor in the afternoon (and shockingly, she liked what I had written and now I'm moving forwards, rather than sideways or backwards, as I have been), ran back and forth to the registrar for J because it turns out he needs to be registered this semester (long and uninteresting story), had dinner at Holy Frijoles (chile rellenos), and then got back in the car and drove home because I'm not meeting with my advisor again until next Monday and I worked well from home last week, so why not this week? (And now that I'm not feeling well, I am glad that I decided to come home.)

LookIng For AuTuMN

On my way to the grocery store today, I was determined to find some fall foliage. Most of the leaves around here are still green, but here and there I found bits of red. And then I saw this tree, hidden behind some houses, completely ablaze. I have no idea why.

Anwyay, I stopped to put my groceries down and as I stood there with my camera, a boy and a woman came out of the house I was stopped in front of. The boy looked at me, completely unconcerned about staring and asked the woman what I was doing. For some reason, she didn't answer him. She seemed sort of annoyed though I couldn't tell why. Since my first instinct is always to assume my own guilt, I thought she might be wary of me being outside of her house with a camera with a zoom lens. And then I thought she just thought it was stupid that I was taking pictures. But then I thought that maybe she was just tired of the boy asking questions, or maybe she was in a bad mood. Who knows. I decided that if she wasn't going to say anything that I might as well, so I explained that I was taking a picture of the tree, and I pointed. He kind of looked, but didn't seem impressed and he didn't say anything more. Well, good afternoon to you both too.

Everyone else outside seemed to be in a chatty mood though, from the three guys walking down the center of the street and calling out to say hello, to the friendly couple who told their dog I was going to take his picture and put him on the front cover of a magazine, to the poor guy in the grocery store who wistfully talked about how nobody was in the store and that he guessed they were all getting ready for the Eagles game today.

And then I came home, made lunch for J while he lounged unhappily with a cold and a box of tissues, and then I got back to work.

I had a productive week, and tomorrow I'm headed to Baltimore again.

ImmiNeNt DanGer

If you could see where I live, you would laugh at what I am about to say...

I am in constant danger here.

First, ever since I moved into this apartment building, this statue has been trying to kill me. I am not sure if her intention is to bludgeon me with this giant plant, or to stand there serenely while she throws it at me, or whether she just wants to scare me into having a heart attack, but every time I come through that doorway (which you can't see much of but it is there on the right) and turn left, I catch a glimpse of this giant statue to my right and think that there was a person hiding there ready to attack. I know that there's a statue there, and yet my brain still can't quite accommodate it. There's just always a dark shadowy figure right there, just outside of my line of sight as I am rounding the corner and turning away.

And then, having stifled my urge to scream (and today I heard a mother and baby in the apartment just to the right of this statue, and I am sure they are glad I have never actually screamed or passed out in the hallway outside their door), I step outside. The other day I went to Fitler Square Park to take some pictures and while I was standing near the fountain (which, sadly, is now off and the flowers surrounding it are starting to die) the trees in the park started dropping acorns on me*. Pshaw, you say, they are just acorns. Well these are big acorns and they fall from such a height that by the time they are in the vicinity of my head I am sure they have reached their max speed of 9.8 meters per squared second, or whatever the constant rate of falling objects is. Parents warn their children to stay away and even the squirrels know to stay clear whenever there's the slightest breeze.

(* Actually, the acorns in this picture are in Schuylkill River Park, but you get the idea.)

If you ever find me lying in the hallway of my apartment building, or face down in Fitler Square Park, you will know the likely culprits...

(I stayed in Philadelphia this past week. I think I might actually be safer in Baltimore, in spite of what The Wire and Homicide would lead you to believe. Speaking of which.)

Oh, and as for the work, lest you think I am evading the issue, it's coming. IT'S COMING!! That's a good thing. But it's still hard and I'm still behind and well, I just can't wait to be done with this. Same old story, I guess, but this time I'm more confident that I'm writing what I'm supposed to be writing, which means that when it's done, it might actually be done. We'll see.