PhiLLy RoLL

To What End?

Sometimes my photography bores me. It's not that taking pictures bores me, but it's the photographs in the end that seem too, I don't know, perfectly aligned, or too realistically representative of the subject, or ... something. I think that I want my photography to say something bigger, but honestly, I can't figure out what that should be. And in the meantime, I shoot what appeals to me but then what of it in the end? Sometimes I sell photos as stock, and nicely aligned clearly representative pictures do well. And that's ok. But I restarted my photoblog to give me an outlet that didn't require such straightforward composition and technical perfection. (This week I've been posting photos from Eastern State Penitentiary and in the darkness I sometimes had to shoot at ISO 1600.)

For a while I really liked the photomemes (e.g., Photofriday) because they posed the challenge of coming up with a single photo which would demonstrate a particular theme (this week's Photofriday theme is "The Machine"). It was interesting to try to find a new and inventive way to shoot a theme, and then to compare what I came up with to others' ideas. But the memes can be really competitive, and by that I don't necessarily mean that the photographic standards are high, but that it becomes all about the winning for a lot of the people participating. (For example, in order to get a "noteworthy" mention in Photofriday you need enough votes and for that, you need people to see your photo. I have seen weeks with up to 800 submitted photos and certainly no one is looking at them all! So you have to play games, like being in the first or last ten photos in the list by either submitting something right away when the new theme is announced (but then obviously, you're pulling a picture from your archives instead of shooting something new) or by submitting your photo at the verrrrrrry end of the week just before they stop accepting new images. Or you have to add fancy diacritics to your user name so that it stands out in the list and people will want to click on it because your entry somehow looks more interesting.) Anyway, enough about photomemes. Obviously they are not what I'm looking for right now.

I think what I'm looking for is a question or issue that I can try to explore through photography, and I want it to be of greater import than "Blue" or "Christmas" or some other single word for which I try to come up with one single image to represent it.

Maybe I need to do something personal. I mean, clearly I'm not going to go to a third world country and document starving children and thereby demonstrate their plight to a world which is unaware or simply overlooking them. And I don't think my "issue" has to be that big to be meaningful in some way.

I guess I could document the experience of being pregnant. :) I'm half serious about that, actually, and I do have about a month and a half to go. That might be worth trying while I think of other ideas...

Other ideas are welcome.

Ultrasound III: Baby Looks Normal

J and I spent two hours at the hospital yesterday (one hour of it in the waiting room), getting an ultrasound to find out that our baby is growing totally normally, as expected. He's head down, but we already knew that. (Unfortunately, he was also face down so we couldn't see him.) And the spot where I feel all the kicks is his butt (and presumably also his legs when he extends them to kick me). I laughed when the doctor said that because that's where J always tries to talk to him - now he knows that he's been talking to his butt the whole time. :)

They meaured his arm and leg bones and they are within range. Then, based on his measurements, they estimated that he weighs about 4.5 lbs (also normal). Add in the weight of amniotic fluid and the placenta and all of that and I bet I've got me a small bowling ball. Imagine carrying that around all day and all night.

(Actually, I did go bowling while I was in Florida. I don't think I was particularly graceful. I probably would have had better luck at getting those pins down if I'd just rolled myself down that alley.)

Anyway, truthfully the weight is not all that terrible, especially since I tend to sit a lot at work. And now I'm wearing my running shoes whenever I walk back and forth to work and that makes a shockingly big difference in how I feel. Also, now that I have my new sleeping arrangement, the weight at night is not bad either. It's hard to turn over, but once I've moved, I'm usually good for a couple of hours.

But we'll see. This baby is going to keep on growing for another two more months!

Preparing for Baby

One of my blogger friends told me that my posts are "compelling", and I had to laugh given the detailed description I gave in my last post about how I arrange my pillows when I sleep. Even as I posted it, I was thinking, who in the world is going to care about this? But since he found it so apparently riveting, I thought I would post an update.

It turns out, fortunately!, that it was not the freezing cold temperatures that made me sleep better. Our heat was fixed the next day (loose wire on the boiler) and yet I'm still sleeping well.

Secondly, it has to be the new pillow arrangement. Now when I wake up I feel pretty normal. I mean, yeah, I'm a little grumpy because I was sleeping and don't want to get up again to pee, but happily, I don't hurt all over. Except for once last night. That was when I'd somehow (in my sleep maybe?) changed the pillows so that both were lying horizontally under my head, raising my head a lot and leaving the rest of me lying flat. I moaned and groaned with the aches as I got up to pee and then returned to bed, but I put the pillows back into their new position and when I woke up in the morning I felt just fine. I'm so glad to have a solution to this! I was getting a little worried about what the next two months of sleeping would be like.

In addition to the new sleeping arrangement, I've had lots of other pregnancy related activities this week.

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday - nothing exciting, just a regular checkup.

Tonight J and I went to another childbirth class. This one was on breathing and labor and I'd hoped to find it super helpful, but I guess I did the wrong thing by briefly looking up breathing techniques on the internet the night before, which meant that everything I heard in the class was what I'd already read. Granted, I hadn't previously heard someone demonstrate long "cleansing" breaths or short pants, but truly, they are not elusive concepts. I'm really not sure about continuing this class. We're halfway through and the remaining three classes are on newborn care, anesthesiology, and breastfeeding. I don't know. One thing that is sort of nice is that we are getting the perspective of our hospital and a pretty clear picture of exactly where to go and how things run there and that's something I can't get from reading books.

And then tomorrow we are getting a growth scan (another ultrasound). I mentioned this one before - it's the one my doctor ordered because I was measuring 2 cm "small". Well, since then my measurements are just where they're supposed to be, so my doctor is not at all concerned. I think she just likes to get extra scans done, and since this is already scheduled, then why not. I'm curious to know if the baby will look any different this time compared to the last time.

In addition to these doctor's appointments, another way that J and I have been preparing for the baby is by starting to reorganize the apartment. Unfortunately, right now that means it is in an even worse state than usual! But we went to Ikea on Monday and we now have a couple other pieces of furniture that give us more storage. We previously had our projector (tv) on a black metal file cabinet in the living room, but we bought a tv unit with three shelves and glass doors (to keep prying babies out). In the office, we had lots of stuff either in boxes or strewn around or piled up, so we bought an extra bookcase. (In fact, J is hammering it together right now.) And we're also getting rid of a broken futon (it wouldn't open beyond a "couch" position) that served its purpose in our office, but now we're turning half of the room into the baby's room so we need the space. And I've been cleaning out a dresser I have in the office (e.g., finding a new place to put all my photography stuff), trying to make room for all the baby clothes we have, for diapers, etc. Oh, and we bought a little blow-up changing pad that we're going to put on top of the dresser and use it as a changing table. I think the only major piece of furniture we have left to buy is a rocker/glider. The rest of what we have to do around the apartment is cleaning and organizing.

Of course, we haven't had a single weekend free to do any of this since, um, October maybe? Every weekend since then has been filled by one or both of us being away or by having visitors. Not that we don't love our visitors or the people we're visiting! It's just that we haven't had much time to actually do many of the things we still need to do. This weekend my parents are coming, and I'm hoping they'll be understanding of the current state of our place! After that weekend, we have one more weekend of visitors - either the next weekend or the one after that. And we might have a Superbowl party, but that would just be one afternoon. And there's a possibility of a baby shower (not sure if that is happening or not), but of course, that wouldn't be a whole weekend either. But other than all of that (and work of course, including a grant application that I have to submit before the baby comes), we're practically swimming in free time until the baby gets here! I say that sort of tongue in cheek, but actually it's true that we'll have free weekends and that it will be enough time to finish up the things we have left to do. But I have to say, I'm almost wondering if I will feel less busy when the baby is born. (Ha ha, I'm sure I'll come back to that line and just laugh my head off for even thinking that.)

Sleep Success

No, it's not that I have suddenly started sleeping through the night. But I may have found a solution to the heavy body aches I have every time I wake up (each time I get up to go to the bathroom during the night and in the morning when I finally drag myself out of bed for real). Here is what I've been doing so far that hasn't worked: sleeping on my left side (the entire web assures me that this is best for me and the baby because lying on your back or right side reduces blood flow to the heart), putting a little pillow under my belly in case its weight is pulling on my back, putting a pillow between my legs to support my hips, and putting a second pillow under my head.

Last night I got rid of the pillows between my legs and under my belly, and I didn't worry about staying on my left side all night. I kept a second pillow under my head, but the top pillow I laid perpendicular to the bottom one so that if I was lying on my back I was on a slight slope and if I was lying on my side I could put an arm under it and hug it so that I'd be more supported. I woke up once (or twice maybe?) to go to the bathroom and had almost no body aches, and this morning I feel fine. Yay! My theory is that it's the slope that helped my blood flow.

Of course, there's another possibility, which is that heat is my problem. As of yesterday (just as temperatures dipped below freezing in Philadelphia), our heat stopped working so it's been really cold in here. So although our poor guests from Florida are freezing and walking around with their coats and gloves on in our apartment, maybe the colder air was good for my sleeping. But hopefully our heat will get fixed today (please, please I hope that maintenance isn't off on MLK Day!), and so I'll get a chance to test these two possibilities. Either way, it was nice to wake up feeling almost normal!

More visitors! And another childbirth class! And Japanese tapas!

Yesterday afternoon, J's sister and her husband came to visit. About an hour after they arrived, it was already time to shop, so we went to the stores on Walnut and Chestnut by Rittenhouse, specifically H&M (both of them) since apparently they don't have H&M in Florida!

I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up, so I decided to wear my running sneakers. I haven't worn them since I stopped running (a couple weeks after my pregnancy fatigue hit), since I haven't wanted to wear them out just with walking around. As soon as I put them on, I felt almost like I wanted to run! And then walking around in the afternoon, I was just amazed at how much energy I had. Could it be that I've been wearing such non-supportive and high impact shoes that I've been actually been slowing myself down? If only my running shoes weren't so obviously running shoes (thick soles and hot pink stripes - I bought the ones that were on sale), I would wear them every day. As it is, I think I might start wearing them to walk back and forth to work. It would be so nice to arrive at work feeling invigorated rather than tired! (Of course, it probably didn't hurt that our walking around yesterday was punctuated with a Rouquefort stuffed burger from Good Dog, and later a cinnamon (decaf) latte from Starbucks. So I got to rest periodically and revive with food and drink.)

In the evening, J and I headed off to the second of our childbirth classes. Again, it wasn't terribly useful or informative, but it probably doesn't hurt to go. At the very least, it's making the idea of labor something that I feel more familiar with. It's not that they don't present any information, it's just that most of it is stuff I've already read about. J thinks that maybe we have a different idea of what presentations should be like - that we are expecting in-depth explanations, statistics, reasoning, etc. But these aren't academic talks - of course! Instead, we do things like pull medical objects (e.g., forceps or a vacuum or a catheter) or other random objects (e.g., a massager, a (toy) camera, a (toy) cell phone, etc.) out of a bag and have to guess what they are or what they would be used for, and then the instructor tells us and we get to feel like we participated. And we saw another video last night, and this one was really terrible. It was animated, and the instructor commented that she hoped we liked it better than the one we saw last time because she knows some of us were squeamish. First of all, no one seemed uncomfortable last time, and secondly, if we're in childbirth classes it's because we want to see and learn what's going to be involved! Anyway, this movie had me giggling because the graphics and editing were so cheap and cheesy, and in particular, the cartoon birth had the baby being delivered into these weird green alien hands (J thinks the green was supposed to represent doctors' gloves). But next week is breathing during labor, so that should be more useful / informative.

This morning J's sister and her husband went to NYC for the day and night, so both J and I went to work. One of the grad students brought her two month old into the office with her, so I got to see her. She was so little and cute, and while I was there she just slept peacefully. (Well, once she spit up, but she kind of just continued to sleep through it!)

Then in the evening, J and I went out with some friends. I have not really been all that interested in going out when I'm tired, but for some reason tonight I really wanted to go. I think that I am realizing that we are getting closer and closer to not being able to go out so easily on a work night! Also, I was really excited to try this restaurant - Yakitori Boy, a new Japanese restaurant on 11th and Race. There were six of us, so we got one of the private rooms, and we all just kept ordering various skewers and appetizers and bowls of udon and sushi rolls (I had shrimp tempura) until everyone was full. We all got to try everything and it was all fantastic. We definitely overate, but baby and I didn't mind. :)

And now I'm off to bed. Tomorrow brings another day of work, and then a weekend with J's sister and her husband. The baby's been kicking me for the hour since we've been home so I'm hoping that by the time I get in bed he's also ready to go to sleep.

Sleeping

It's been a long time since I have slept through the night. About seven months in fact. But it's not like I have to stay up with a crying, hungry baby yet. So far I just wake up feeling really achy, I get up to go to the bathroom, and then I try to get settled back in bed. Now that Vladimir (or whoever he is) is kicking in a way I can feel and now that I'm getting bigger, getting re-settled in bed is becoming more difficult. I'm beginning to need to come up with some system of pillows that support my back and hips. (The other night I had a dream that I was getting sores along my hips and the sides of my legs. It's not actually true of course, thankfully.)

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, my trip to the bathroom coincided with the baby kicking me in the same place he always kicks me. It's not like it's actually getting sore, but it's a little bit tender and it's hard to fall back asleep when he does that. J was very sweet, not getting mad at me for waking him up, and instead putting his hand on my belly to feel the bumping around. Then he decided to tell the baby that it was time to go back to sleep, so he put his face up to my skin and asked him, nicely, to stop. In reply, the baby kicked him in the face.

I can't even remember if he stopped kicking after that because it was just so funny.

Names

BabyCenter has just released their list of the top names of 2007. It turns out that the name I actually cried over when I heard my cousin wanted to use it for their baby if it's a boy, is the number one name of 2007. I don't even know if we would have used that name because J hasn't been thrilled about it, but I had thought it sounded trendy yet still unique and I really liked it. (Plus, I liked that one of J's sisters had suggested it to us.) But now that I know that name is so popular, I'm really leaning against it. I think J is relieved.

Looking over the list, I see other names that I liked that are also high on the list. And it's making me realize that if my criteria is cool yet unique names, that I can't go by my own experiences. Just because I don't know any guys named Aiden, Ethan, or Jacob (to pick the top three on the BabyCenter list) only means that those names weren't popular in the 70's when all my friends were born. I don't know many people with kids and, in spite of what you'd expect given my research interests, I am not actually testing that many kids, so I don't really have a clue what the popular names are today. Earlier this morning I read that a name that J likes that is actually the name of a character on a popular tv show of the same name. But how would we know that - we don't watch children's tv! Maybe I should use a little reverse psychology and pick from the top names in the 70's and then I would be assured a currently unique name. :)

Not that our baby's name is exclusively my decision. J's been very involved in looking for names and even bought a huge book of 100,001 names, and I think he's read through it about three times already. But so far we haven't hit upon a name that we both really like. We have some choices that overlap, but we keep having different personal favorites.

I'm being deliberately vague here about our previous and current favorite names for a few reasons, the main one being the overlap in choice of name with my cousin. I don't think she even reads this blog regularly, but just in case she's leaning towards another name and it's a name that I'm also currently leaning towards, I just don't want to have to go through the turmoil of worrying about who "gets" to use it. I also don't want to put Ianqui through that since she doesn't yet know if they're having a girl or a boy.

I do really want to have the name picked out soon. For months we have been calling this baby Vladimir, but not because we like or intend to use the name. In fact, at first, the fact that I didn't like the name was a good thing because I could blame Vladimir for my fatigue without feeling like I was really blaming my child - it's not our baby doing this to me, it's the curse of Vladimir! But now as the due date gets closer and I feel and see his little body parts pushing against my skin and I see other previously pregnant bloggers I had been reading now giving birth to real human babies (not little nonvaible embryos like I used to imagine inside of me), I'm really starting to understand that there is a real person inside of me. A real child - our child - and I want him to have a name.

I never really thought much about names until we named our cats. But now when I say Tako or Koji, I mean those specific little furry creatures that I love. And now we use their names as adjectives for their personality characteristics whenever we see them in other people; we'll comment about how someone is "such a Tako" or "totally a Koji". It's not that I really love those names, but they are more than a label for our black cat or our striped cat. So I guess that's why I want a name for our baby soon because I want to be able to talk to and about him in an endearing way, and not in an impersonal way by referring to "our baby" or even Vladimir, which I know is just a stand in.

Maybe I should get cracking on that list of 100,001 names...

Childbirth Class

Last night J and I went to the first of a series of six child birth classes. It was only the introductory class, but still lasted two hours. I guess the length is why they suggested bringing a pillow, even though we didn't actually use them. (Well, I put one behind my back because why not, but I really don't need it.)

Unfortunately, I didn't actually learn anything new from this first class. But apparently some things were new to other people. For instance, the instructor told the class about what foods to avoid in pregnancy, and I was internally rolling my eyes because all of us are due to give birth within 1-2 months so you'd think everyone already knows this stuff. But no, there was at least one person who was not aware of LISTERIA. I mean, seriously, I have lived in fear of this bacteria for seven months, and this other woman has been blissfully unaware! I almost wanted to cover her ears so she wouldn't have to learn about it now, since she's successfully gotten this far, all the while eating deli meat.

We also saw a video (made in the 70's) of various women giving birth. It also didn't teach me anything new because I've already seen most of this myself on tv, but I will confess to getting a bit choked up watching it. J said he was choked up too, and I noticed several other audible sniffles in the room while the video was on. So that was kind of cute.

One thing I liked was that we got a tour of the facilities, and we got to see one of the birth rooms. It was surprisingly nice, with wood paneling and a crazy beautiful view of Franklin Field (UPenn stadium) and downtown. There's even a jacuzzi in the bathroom. Definitely nicer than the bland and sterile looking rooms in the 70's video.

But the best part of the class was when the instructor asked for a volunteer from among the dads (and/or moms and sisters who were there in some cases), and after a pause from everyone, J finally put up his hand. The instructor made him sign a consent form verifying that he didn't have back problems and then outfitted him with a fake pregnant belly and breasts. It was weighed down with water and puts weight on the shoulders and lower back. He earned early praise for not grabbing the breasts - apparently that's what most men do - and then she asked him to do various things like get up from a chair, tie his shoes, etc. Here is he leaning down as if to tie his shoes.

I don't know that he really got the full sensation from pregnancy, but I'm sure it didn't hurt to imagine what it would be like to carry all that extra weight and girth around. Now if only they could simulate the feeling of little feet pushing at your skin and the weight of a baby on your bladder and other girly parts. :)

So even though I didn't learn a whole lot, there were parts of the class that I enjoyed. Later classes should be more helpful, because I truly don't know anything about breathing techniques or anesthesia and stuff like that. If only they made the dads wear that fake belly and breasts through all of the classes...

I'm Back

I'm back from crazy grant preparation in November and December that left me so busy that I didn't even have time to sleep (seriously, I even pulled an all-nighter, something I do not recommend in pregnancy). Back from being busy having various relatives visit us. Back from going to Florida for almost two weeks in December. Back from going to Chicago for a conference this past weekend.

I had grand plans when I got back for all the things I was going to get done now that I have time to do it, but it turns out that I am tired! Last night I dragged myself through the grocery store with J, while he mumbled under his breath about how it was taking so long and he was missing the championship game. At home that night, I tried to do research on Babies R Us on all the different options for strollers and car seats and play pens (or play yards, as they seem to be called now), but there was too much information for my fatigued brain and I couldn't come to any decisions. Eventually I just had to go to bed.

Then tonight after a day of work, I got home "early" (it might have been 6 or 6:30, I think), and all my walking today between home and the office and the doctor's office and back again added up to 3.3 miles (according to Google Earth). So of course I was tired by the time I got home. I actually "stole" J's armchair (I have a less comfy one that I usually sit in) and put a pillow behind my back and cuddled under a blanket. J fed me dinner and we watched tv, and now I'm finally feeling revived.

So here's what's up in my world besides being tired.

I'm running out of funding at my current job and the only way for me to stay is to get new funding. So my bosses and I are applying for three grants, and hoping that at least one of them comes through. Two of them are due in a week and one of them isn't due until April but because of our impending baby I'm going to do it by February anyway. So this week and weekend promises to be pretty busy, but hopefully some good will come of this. Otherwise I will find myself on an unplanned extended maternity leave! (Actually, it's not really that bad, I hope. Even if none of these three grants gets funded, we can revise and reapply for two of them again in just a few months.)

However, assuming the funding comes through, then everything at work is great. I love what I'm doing and my bosses are fantastic and every day I look around and think, how in the world did I get lucky enough to end up here?

In baby news, things are going well. I haven't had any of the really terrible symptoms people complain about. I mean, I think I get more tired than some people. But I skipped morning sickness. And I haven't had any real aches and pains or swelling or heartburn or anything yet. I do get kicked internally on a regular basis, and sometimes it's hard to go to sleep, but once I'm asleep I usually do pretty well. In fact, one morning J told me that he had gotten up to go to the bathroom and when he came back to bed I was still completely asleep and he felt my belly and said there seemed to be a dance party in there. And somehow I slept through it.

I definitely look pregnant now. I needed to buy new clothes while I was in Florida because what I brought were non-maternity summer clothes that just didn't stretch enough for my now-third-trimester belly. Even the maternity clothes I brought were not going to be enough to get me through the third trimester once I got home. For example, I had a pair of pants that I'd been told would get me through the fifth month. I scoffed at the idea, but there I was at 28 weeks and those pants were starting to get really uncomfortable. Now at 30 weeks, I don't even want to contemplate trying to wear them. Fortunately, J's family loves to shop and so I got to browse through tons of outlets and Goodwill stores and I didn't totally break the bank finding things to wear for the next couple of months.

I'm finding that I've reached the point where total strangers comment on my state. For example, today I stopped for sushi for lunch (just cooked though - a California roll and a Boston roll) and on the way out of the restaurant a woman who worked there called out good bye and thank you and then said, "Be careful!" And then elaborated that with the baby, I should be careful! I think it's true that everyone loves a pregnant woman.

I have another ultrasound coming up. I'm actually kind of annoyed about it because I think it's unnecessary. I've reached the point where the doctor measures my belly every visit - from my pubic bone to the top of the uterus. At 27 weeks, I was supposed to be 27 cm, but I was only 25 cm. And apparently that means I might be a little small. But really, 2 cm? And with such a crude way of measuring? I mean, shouldn't she factor in that I'm short? Also, she commented that I am carrying a little wide, so I'm thinking that's where her two centimeters is! Actually, I think she was just looking for an excuse to give me another ultrasound, especially since at a previous visit I asked if she could just say I was running small so I could have another ultrasound. But of course, when she says I'm running small, I get all defensive and think that extra testing is totally unnecesary. I suppose I should just be glad we get to see the baby again! Anyway, she measured me again today and I'm only 1 cm "small", and she didn't seem concerned at all. In fact, I had to remind her about the growth scan she told me to schedule.

We're also starting childbirth classes - tomorrow night! I have absolutely no idea what the class actually involves, but it's free through our work so I signed up. I have to bring J and a pillow - should be interesting!

So things with the baby are going well. Now we just need to get everything in the apartment in order. We have a lot to do!

In fact, with all this energy I have back now, I think I'm going to go finally unpack. I'm really, really tired of living out of a suitcase!