PhiLLy RoLL

Due Date

I'm glad I got that "awe" post out of the way because now my attention is back to immediate concerns.

First, I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and it was the first one where she did more than weigh me, ask me how I'm doing, and ask me to leave a urine sample. (Incidentally, why is leaving a urine sample always last on their minds?! I've taken to just going in and leaving a sample before the doctor calls me so that I don't have to get weighed and questioned while all I'm thinking about is how much I have to pee.)

Anyway, she checked my cervix, telling me that it might hurt a little, and yes indeed it did, but it was quick and I'm sure labor is a thousand times more painful. Afterwards she said, rather breezily, "Well, you're two centimeters dilated, so I would say that you'll probably give birth anywhere from the next two to three days to the next two to three weeks." I said, oh okay, and then, "WHAT?!" Because I had the date of March 15th etched into my brain, as well as the notion that women and supposedly first-time mothers often give birth later than their due date. So I was thinking one to five weeks, with more of an emphasis on three to five weeks from now. Not two to three days!

Now, granted, it's a total guessing game and it really still could be up to five weeks. But it really affected me to hear her say that and I think my voice got all shaky for the rest of the appointment.

Then, continuing to freak me out, she mentioned that she touched the top of the baby's head!! I said feebly, but, uh, isn't there a mucus plug in the way or something? And she said yes, but it's not all that thick. She also pointed out that she was really touching the amniotic sac and not his head directly. Still, I found it amazing, if not a little scary!

So J and I called our families that night to let them know that it could be sooner rather than later. Everyone is on alert now even though, really, it's entirely possible that I'm not going to go into labor before my due date. I've tried to research this online to see whether there is any correlation between dilation and the onset of labor and I can't find anything. I even searched academic journals through Medline. It's possible that I'm horrible at doing keyword searches, but I really couldn't find anything. Basically it sounds like the cervix starts dilating when labor is coming, but I can't find anything about a correlation between when it starts and/or how much it dilates and the timing of the onset of labor. I guess if I wasn't dilated then the doctor wouldn't assume labor was coming soon, but at the same time, I'm not sure that seeing me a little bit dilated really tells us much of anything new.

But of course, this has all made me a bit suggestable to the idea of going into labor sooner rather than later...

The next day I was really drained at work and left on the first shuttle bus I could take home. By the time I got home, I was so tired that I changed my clothes, got into bed to sleep, and tearily called J to tell him I was home (he was still at work). I was so tired I could hardly sleep, but eventually I fell asleep - for half an hour before the doorbell rang. It was Fed Ex delivering our new infant car seat (thanks Mom and Dad!).

Having woken up, I was then really uncomfortable and my lower back was aching a lot. I tried to sit in J's arm chair and watch tv, but I couldn't get comfortable. So I moved to the couch and tried a bunch of positions, and the only one that helped at all was getting on my hands and knees and arching my back, but even that didn't make the pain go away.

Eventually J came home and gave me a back massage, which helped a bit but didn't make it go away. I spent the rest of the evening on the couch very uncomfortable, but trying to relax. Around midnight J suggested we go to bed, and I figured what difference does it make where I'm lying down. But actually, I slept a couple of hours once in bed, until of course, I had to get up to pee.

Now at 2 in the morning, I still had the back pain and I was so frustrated that I decided I was done lying around because it obviously wasn't helping. So I got online and started looking up "back pain" and "third trimester" and after a while, I discovered something called "back labor". I wasn't feeling anything like contractions, but I was looking for any explanation for the prolonged back pain. After reading a bit, I thought, you know if this turns out to be early labor, then I'd better pack a bag for the hospital! So I got up and started gathering all my things, and as I walked around, the back pain seemed perhaps a little bit less but I felt some tightening every now and then in the lower front of my abdomen that kind of felt like menstrual cramps - just as the websites had described!

But nothing worsened and I started to get really tired, so I figured I'd better head back to bed. If I was going to go into labor, I would find out and in the meantime, I'm sure it would be better to sleep. And if it wasn't labor, then I really should just get back to bed. Lying down I continued to feel the back pain and sometimes, the pain in the lower front, but as nothing worsened and I grew sleepier, I just fell asleep. Each time I got up to pee, I didn't feel any better or any worse, and then by the time I woke up for real (around noon - thankfully I'd already made plans to stay home from work on Friday), the back pain was gone.

I talked to a nurse at my doctor's office on Friday (I had to call to make an appointment anyway) and she says it sounds like normal third trimester back pains. Part of me wants some other explanation because that's the first time I've had persistent back pains like that, but at the same time, the pain hasn't come back and I'm not in labor, so she's probably right!

A good result of all of this is that it's giving me the kick in the butt that I need to really get everything ready for the trip to the hospital and our return home with the baby. I have felt like it's still a bit far off, partially because of the due date being in March and partially because our upcoming baby shower isn't until next weekend. So we haven't bought a lot of stuff in the meantime - for example, we don't even have sheets for the crib or bassinet (actually, we don't even have the bassinet for that matter - it's in Florida with J's parents). The less stuff we have out and ready for the baby, the less imminent birth has seemed. And really, it's fine that there are things we still don't have. I'm sure J or my parents could run to the store at some point and pick up the sheets from our registry if it turns out that I give birth tomorrow or something. What's not fine is that we really do have more cleaning / organizing to do, so let's hope I don't go into labor tomorrow!

Awe

Okay, I have finally reached awe. I've experienced it in bits and pieces over the course of this pregnancy, but at the same time, pregnancy has been such an immediate experience that I haven't really been able to step back and just think about it all. I've focused on the symptoms, or the things that still need to get done, or learning about what to do with a newborn. But I haven't really stepped back and just let the awe wash over me.

***

I am in awe that my body has been able to stretch to such unbelievable widths and it all looks quite natural. I don't even have stretch marks, but even if I did, I think I would still be amazed. I mean, it's not like my skin is pulled so taught it's painful. It just grew. (Now let's hope that it knows how to shrink.)

I am kind of in awe that I am able to carry this mass around with me. I was looking in the mirror at Motherhood Maternity today as I tried on nursing bras and I got a full body view of myself. I do have a full length mirror at home, but I guess I haven't really stood there looking for long enough in amazement at what I've become. I have a huge belly now and when I look at it sideways, well, it's no wonder my back hurts! In fact, I'm kind of proud of my back for not hurting more.

I am in awe that there is a real baby living inside of me. All day he's been moving around in there. When I was only about six months along, his sudden jabbing movements made me uncomfortable / surprised, but now at eight months his movements are much smoother and more fluid. Even when he kicks his feet out, it's slower and I can usually feel it coming, as his butt pushes my belly out in the opposite direction. (Well, okay, I don't really know what's moving where, but this is a best guess.)

I am in awe that I am going to give birth. And breastfeed. I mean, these aren't things that you just decide to do - like deciding to go for a run, or to sit down, or to do cartwheels or whatever. They just happen. Somehow my body knows what to do and when to do it (hopefully).

And these are the awe-inspiring things that I can put into words. There's so much more that it's hard to even describe in words. I mean "starting a family" sounds like, I don't know, like graduating from college or deciding to get married or something. But I think that this is so much bigger. This baby will completely depend on us to love him, feed him, help him grow up ... We made the conscious decision to take that on and we're ready to do this, but at the same time, it really blows my mind.

***

I have no idea why I reached awe tonight rather than any other day.

This morning I woke up early than I wanted to and couldn't go back to sleep, and after watching J sleep for twenty minutes (so cute!) I decided that it wasn't worth trying to find a comfortable position anymore so I might as well just get up. (I really have to take a picture sometime of my ridiculous but essential five-pillows-plus-a-towel body support system I've rigged up.)

I started researching more baby gear online and then armed with all the reviews I'd read, in the afternoon, J and I went out to Babies R Us to look at things like glider chairs and baby carriers and to Motherhood Maternity for nursing bras. (Incidentally, nursing bras have such a cool design. I thought they would just have a hook at the top of the bra cup instead of the usual back or front hook, but actually, there's a whole built-in section to the bra so that when you unhook the cup, there's a piece that still holds everything in place. Very cool. Oh, and for those of you who might be in the market for a nursing bra soon, let me tell you that the nursing bras at Motherhood Maternity, while not cheap, were half as much as the ones at Mimi Maternity. Which also reminds me, and sorry for the giant digression here, but I really have to share this - a nurse at our childbirth class tipped us off to Hackley Healthcare Equipment where you can get a Medela breastpump for $80 less than they cost at Babies R Us or Amazon.)

Uh, what was I talking about? ... Right, shopping. Anyway, it was kind of tiring today. I was stupid and wore my cute flats instead of my supportive running shoes. Overall, I felt big and heavy and like I just wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon in one of those recliner glider chairs (this one is "only" $670 when you buy it together with the ottoman, but I'm telling you, if you sit in it you will want to just live there, reclining like that, forever). But then at Target (where J and I were ogling the giant LCD and plasma tv's, totally off our mission of looking for baby things) I got a nice compliment from a woman passing by me with her friend, who noticed me and said, "You look cute." And there I was in my giant maternity winter coat feeling anything but cute. Until that moment. Wasn't that sweet?

So how all of this led to awe about our baby, I really don't know. But it's there. And it's very nice. I'm not worrying about the birth. I'm not worrying about how the baby is doing in there. At this moment, I'm not really worrying at all. I'm just ... happy and amazed.

It Keeps Going Up

This picture is part of my pregnancy documentation photo project. This is me on the scale one morning, about a week and a half ago. (Guess what, I weigh even more now. And that scale runs a bit light - I'm not telling how much though!)

I kind of love my old pilled pink striped socks (in fact, I'm wearing them again right now). And those black maternity sweatpants are the best pants I have ever, ever owned. And then that blur in the front is my belly. I actually had to lean forward with the camera in order to see over my belly to take a picture of the scale.

There's a part of me that really cringes about my weight, because I actually imagined myself totally svelte throughout this pregnancy. (Not that I even started it svelte.) But I thought I would run through the whole thing and be super healthy, and well, it's not that I'm not eating healthy, but it's maybe more accurate to say that I have a healthy appetite. And I gave up running pretty early in the first trimster once the fatigue hit. Now I just waddle around, grunting. So much for the movie star image I had in mind for myself!

Anyway, for the most part I try not to worry about my weight because there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I walk about a mile a day to work (more if I have other errands or appointments, and none at all if I work from home). And most of the time I bring my lunch (e.g., fruit, yogurt, salad, peanut butter and jelly).

However, it is strange to see that scale creeping up, especially since the most I'd ever previously weighed in my life was 132 (yes, I remember the exact number). So to see the scale at 140 lbs...!! It's hard to believe it's me. Well, okay, so it's me and the baby. And some amniotic fluid and extra blood, and uh, yeah, some body fat.

No Room For Food

J and I have a peculiar problem. Our refrigerator is too filled with beer to accommodate much food.

This is because, before our Super Bowl party on Sunday, J bought two cases of cold beer so that there would be beer on hand for the first guests who arrived. (I had been thinking he would either be picking up a six pack, or if he did get a case, that it wouldn't have been cold. But he got the cases from Springfield Beer Distributor, where he says that all of the beer is chilled because the large room it's all displayed in is cool.) Then, most of the people who came to the party brought six packs of beer, only drank one or two, and then refused to take any of it home with them.

And so this is what our fridge looks like now, almost a week after the party.

I really don't know what to do! Clearly I am not in a position to whittle this down. Probably the easiest thing to do would be to have a party, but I have to confess, I was looking forward to at least a couple of weekends without any hosting responsibilities before this baby (and our families) arrive. Then again, it's just beer, so it's not like any party we would have would have to be anything fancy or schmoozy.

This weekend Chiaroscuro is coming to visit, so you can be sure we will do our best to foist beer on her. But she is only one (small) person, so I'd be surprised if she made a significant dent.

And then, soon, we'll be having a baby shower (and actually, the plan is to do it at our apartment). My sister tells me that beer isn't usually a big feature of a baby shower, but I informed her that if we still have this much beer in our fridge by the time of the shower, then it's going to have to be a big drinking party.

Woo hoo! Takers?

Watching Sports Like a Man

Last night I settled into what was previously J's big comfy arm chair (my less big, less comfy arm chair is particularly uncomfortable now) to watch the US-Mexico game (soccer). In the spirit of relaxing, I cracked open a ginger beer.

I thought to myself, hm, doesn't ginger bring on contractions or something? Well, maybe, who knows, but what it really brought on was serious heartburn. I hardly drank past the neck and my esophagus was burning. (It's probably not ginger per se, but carbonation and the spicyness of the ginger beer.) So instead of sitting back and relaxing, I spent the rest of the game on the edge of my seat, letting out some very manly belches. I guess that's how you're supposed to watch sports though, huh?

Orange Juice

I took some "pregnancy" related pictures yesterday and this morning, but I'm not sure it's obvious what some of them are if you don't know why I took them. But it was good to start trying to take pictures of things other than Philadelphia skylines (which is what you'll see on my photoblog on Monday), things which are meaningful to me in some way, and let me tell you, orange juice is really important to me right now.

It's funny because I never really liked orange juice before. I always thought it was just ok, unless it had pulp, and then it was definitely not ok. It's probably a good thing I didn't care for it, because orange juice is pretty expensive.

But then I got pregnant and suddenly I became obsessed with fruit and over the months, it has pretty much narrowed to eating oranges and drinking orange juice. In fact, I've even dreamed about it. (It was a really boring dream, in which I was looking at a gallon of orange juice in my refrigerator and telling my friend how much I wished I could just drink it all, but that I knew I shouldn't.)

What's funny about this picture is that I was trying to convey brightness and orange and citrus and all the yumminess about orange juice, but I also wanted to convey how much I really wanted this orange juice and how disappointed I was that what was in the cup was the end of the orange juice I had on hand. I have no idea how to convey all that in a picture of orange juice, and honestly, in that moment, I really just wanted to drink it. But I'd promised myself I would take a picture of it before I drank it.

To set up the picture, I had to pull back our big heavy curtains to let some light in the room and then I had to try to compose it so that various things didn't get in the background, like if I stood back a little bit, the heater along the floor or one of our speakers would get in the shot. And I hadn't put in my contacts yet, so I was trying to see through the viewfinder with my glasses which doesn't work well for some reason. And the cup is a frosted white, so it's difficult to see whether it's actually in focus or not. (Or was that because of my glasses?) And I was using my 50 mm lens, which doesn't let me focus any closer than this, so I kept having to back up from whatever composition I actually had in mind. And I just really, really wanted to drink the orange juice instead of photographing it! Eventually, I couldn't stand it any more and drank the juice.

I don't think this picture says all that though. Probably someone should have been photographing me photographing the juice and my desperation would have been very apparent.