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(Did you know you can get email updates whenever I post to my blog? If you scroll down there's a box in the left column where you can enter your email.)
While my parents and J's family now read my blog regularly, for a while I think everyone just thought it was this weird thing I do, posting my life online for strangers to read. In truth, not that many strangers read it and I don't actively go seeking new readers - it would take too much time and it's not really who I'm writing for anyway. Mostly this is an outlet for myself, logging my daily life and experiences. But I'm also writing for family and friends who follow along, and even though I don't feel like I'm writing to them directly, they make up the "audience" of people who would actually care about the things going on in my life. But I do have some "strangers" who read regularly - most of them are people I've found online or through blogging communities in Baltimore and Philadelphia, but after a while they don't really feel like strangers anymore and some have become friends.
But it's about this line that gets crossed, and on the other side of that line are true strangers who find my blog via Google searches or perusing random blogs looking for something interesting to read. I think some people think this is strange and wonder why I would put my life out there for anyone to see. Well, first of all, like I said, I don't get that many random visitors to this site. And if strangers read my site, I don't really care - it's not like I know them. And I actually think it's sort of cool, that my experiences may be informative or interesting to other people.
I started thinking about this today because I noticed this hit to my blog in my stat tracker:
When I saw that, I stopped to wonder, what in the world made this person not only wonder whether a cat could use a breastpump, but actually to sit down at the computer and look it up. I'm sorry I don't have the answer.
(Well actually, I'm sure it could be done, but you'd have to adjust the flanges - the part that goes on the breast - to fit cat nipples...)
So there you have it - it's not that weird that I write about my life and post it online for all the world to see and then strangers can search for information about cats using breastpumps and they end up at my blog. ... Wait, yes, that is weird.
That second photo captures two "skills" - one new and one old. The old one, grabbing his own ear, is more of an anti-skill and I don't think he knows he's the one doing it. In this picture, it was probably sort of accidental and he let it go right away as he continued to squirm around. (He was lying under the mobile, which excites him to no end.) But other times, when he's really hungry, he'll flail around and grab whatever he can, which tends to be the hair on the back of his head until it slips out of his fingers and then his hand lands on his ear. So he tugs and pulls at it, all the while crying out because, you know, someone is pulling his ear and it hurts.
The other new thing he's doing is sucking on his fist. He doesn't bring his fist to his mouth on purpose, but when it lands near his mouth, he goes for it. Hm, I suppose that's not really a skill either.
Yesterday after several hours of trying to get Lucas to take a nap and failing, I was getting a little frustrated. Actually a lot frustrated. Hours of fussiness and crying can really take it's toll and I'd been up since 6:30 am with him. Now it was 1:30 and I had fed him several times and then alternated between trying to lull him to sleep and holding him when the lulling was going about as badly as it could.
I'd had grand plans to teach him to nap, especially after he'd gone down so easily on Monday. On Monday, I'd swaddled him before his second nursing of the day so that when we were done, he'd be ready to sleep. (I swaddle him at night before nursing him and he falls asleep with me and then later I just transfer him to his own bed and it works every time.) When I put him in the crib, he was very drowsy and so I spent about ten minutes running my fingers down his forehead and nose until he drifted into a deep enough sleep that I could walk away. On Tuesday I went to work while J stayed home, so I think he napped on J's lap. On Wednesday, I easily transferred him sleeping from my lap after nursing to the crib. And then, yesterday, I tried my nap technique again and it was a huge, huge failure.
I tried to lull him to sleep through the crying, but it just wasn't working. Eventually I had to change him because he was wet and then there was no way he was going to sleep after that. So I tried nursing him and then trying to put him to sleep again. Nothing. Another diaper change and then more nursing. And swinging. And nursing. And carrying him around. And lots of crying and fussing in the crib while I tried to convince him he was ready to sleep. By 1:30 pm I was about to lose my mind.
I was frustrated with Lucas for not sleeping. I was frustrated with motherhood because I now spend hours of my life in this nurse, rock, change routine with few, if any, breaks in between. I was frustrated with J because I felt like he viewed his work as more important than mine, evidenced by his tendency to try to put in lots of hours at the office because he feels behind and meanwhile, I feel like my own time to work is being squeezed unfairly. I was frustrated at the world for - well, I don't know, but it seemed that the world was very unfair. Like, how come the movie I'd recorded turned out to be on a channel we don't get and so all I got was two hours of black screen?! How come there is nothing good on t.v. in the middle of the day? Why must the cats shed everywhere, leaving their fur to dance around the apartment, unmercifully teasing me and knowing I don't have the time to do a thorough cleaning?
So I IM'd J to vent. As though IM'ing him while Lucas was crying in my arms was really going to help things. I think I just wanted him to know that my days aren't necessarily filled with pleasant nursing while watching t.v., followed by lots of free time around the apartment to do what I want. Sometimes my days are filled with constant soothing and rocking and walking around and swaying, all with a baby crying right in my ear. Of course, all J could say was that he was sorry and try to walk that fine line between telling me that this would pass and I should try to relax, while at the same time not enraging me by suggesting things that I've already tried or telling me that things are really not that bad.
Eventually, having a reached a point where I wanted to just throw my little overtired baby to get him to stop crying and just go to sleep (because, you know, throwing a baby always results in giggles followed by restful sleep), I realized I need to GET OUT. Fine, if he wouldn't sleep, then we would go out!! That will show him! I'll pound out some of this frustration energy and he'll probably go to sleep, the little jerk.
So I put on the Baby Bjorn, grabbed my keys (but forgot my cell phone), and headed out the door.
Ok, where to go?
I went to the Schuykill River Trail. It was a little warm and I was wearing jeans, but I didn't care to go back and change. Oh no, we were going to walk and we were going to do it right now! I would walk and walk until I wasn't mad anymore.
The first couple of people I passed looked adoringly into the Baby Bjorn as I passed by, and I grumbled internally about how they don't know what I've been through this morning. Yeah, he looks cute when he's all quiet and looking around, but you should have seen him before I left the house. Then just a few minutes later, he conked out, so it was just me and my angry thoughts for the rest of the walk.
Once he was asleep, I decided to try to think a little more rationally. Okay, so he was sleeping, is that such a bad thing? Isn't this what I wanted? And I started to calm down and I thought, you know, the good thing is that he's sleeping. And clearly, he needed to sleep. The more worked up he got at home, the less likely he was to sleep and it was just creating a cycle where we would both be getting more exhausted and frustrated. And then I erased the ridiculous thought in my mind that by getting him to sleep by walking him would mean that I would be doing this for the rest of his life, or even doing this until he was five, or even that I would be doing this every day for the next two months. It's one day. And he needs the sleep.
So once I found peace in that thought, I started thinking about everything else. Like J and how he so unfairly wants to work extra hours, even at the expense of my hours! What a jerk! He thinks that somehow we can both work at least 40 hours and take care of Lucas without a babysitter at this point, but you know what, it's my hours that are going to be cut when we're short on time. We had come up with a plan that has him working in the office during the day on Mon, Wed, Thurs, and Fri, and me working at home nights and weekends and going into the office on Tuesdays. But of course, that will only work if J gets into work on time and/or doesn't work late; otherwise, my hours get squeezed out. How unfair! ... Breathe... Okay, think, is J really a jerk? Is he that uncaring that he thinks only of himself? Uh, no. Okay, maybe I should try that rational thinking again.
First of all, hours are tight and that does make this difficult. But J isn't trying to squeeze out my hours. If anything, he's trying to make sure he can be around so that I do get time to work. And he does try to take care of Lucas in equal amounts of time. If things aren't equal yet, it's because we just started this (potentially crazy) new schedule and it's going to take some adjusting. (For the the first few days of our new schedule, I didn't get any work done because I spent the whole time either breastfeeding Lucas whenever he needed to be fed, or fetching things for J when he needed them if he was holding Lucas, or just generally expending time and energy worrying about whether Lucas was being soothed properly or whether he needed to be changed or whether he needed to eat. And I was distracted because I was trying to work in the same room where J was caring for a sometimes-crying Lucas and playing music on his computer. I quickly learned that the only way for me to work is to remove myself from the room, both emotionally and physically. And I learned that if I stop to pump for 15 minutes, that's a lot less time spent than spending 45 minutes breastfeeding.) So the new schedule, it might be crazy, but we came up with it together to make sure that we both got the time to do what we needed to do and also take care of Lucas. But what I needed at this point was to go over a written version of it with J to make sure we were both in agreement about what we're trying to do and make sure it's realistic. And with a deep breath, I reminded myself that J would certainly be willing to do that.
Having now reached the point of realizing that it was a good thing that Lucas was sleeping as we walked and that I would get to talk with J about the schedule that I was so worried about, I turned my thoughts to the rest of the world that I was so frustrated with. ... At least, I tried to, but now I couldn't quite remember exactly what I was angry about. Sure I feel overwhelmed at times, but I also feel incredibly lucky. Here I was, walking on a sunny day along a beautiful path in a city I love, carrying a baby I love, thinking about my husband who I love, wanting to make sure I get enough time to work at a job that I love ... I didn't feel quite so angry anymore. As I walked home I noticed that I smiled at the people I was passing by.
Finally home, I realized that I was sweating. I'd just walked 2.75 miles (according to Google Earth) in jeans while wearing a (probably) 10 pound baby on my chest. So I changed into much lighter clothes, nursed Lucas again, watched a program (Senate Hearing on Safety Concerns over Plastic Additives in Consumer Products) on C-Span, and browsed through a book Ianqui had given me (Baby and Toddler Cookbook). By the time J got home, I was in a positively good mood.
...
Incidentally, if you're wondering how I managed to find the time to type all of this out, it's because this morning, after the second nursing, I managed to put Lucas down for a nap and he's been sleeping now for an hour.
He is just getting cuter and cuter.
At least I think so. What do you think?
This week, things are starting to get easier. Of course, they've been getting easier all along, but this week is the best so far. Lucas is happier after breastfeeding and during the day he has more / longer periods of happy looking around and making little baby sounds.
Today was a typical day...
12:00 am
Lucas and I go to bed a little bit later than usual (I usually aim for 11 pm). We nurse on one side, then J comes to bed and we turn over to nurse on the other side. I always keep Lucas on the far side of the bed once J comes to bed so that he's between me and the co-sleeper; I don't want J can't roll over in his sleep onto Lucas.
1:30 am
While Lucas continues to sleep, I wake up and move him to the co-sleeper. I always think he's about to wake up when I make what is always a clumsy transfer, but he just shifts and goes back to sleep.
7 am
Lucas' grunting wakes me up. Usually this means he's about to wake up, but this morning a pacifier puts him back to sleep. I get up and feed the cats, have my drip of coffee (a half inch of coffee, the rest is milk), and work on a conference abstract.
7:30 am
Lucas wakes up for real. I change him and then nurse him while I watch a recorded episode of Angel.
8 am
Lucas is in a GOOD mood, as he always is after his first nursing of the day. I bring him to J who is still in bed, and they hang out while I shower.
9 am
Nurse Lucas again (and watch more Angel). Change him again. (J showers and gets ready for work.)
9:45 am
Lucas is in a good mood again and lays in the crib admiring the fish mobile, while I eat breakfast.
10:15 am
Lucas is bored with the mobile. I change him again and put him in the Baby Bjorn and walk around with him until he starts to get sleepy.
10:30 am
I move to the computer, where with a little bit of swaying, Lucas falls asleep. I manage to finish a draft of the abstract and send it to my bosses.
11:30 am
Nurse Lucas again (this time I watch The Office). Change him again.
12:15 pm
Lucas is in a good mood. Again! He hangs out in the swing in the living room while I cook lunch (steamed spinach from last weekend's farmer's market and pan fried seasoned wild turbot from Trader Joe's).
12:30 pm
Lucas is bored with the swing but is happy again in the crib looking up at the mobile. I eat my food while Lucas squirms and coos at the mobile.
1 pm
Lucas is bored with the mobile. I change him and put him in the Baby Bjorn and walk around with him until he starts to get sleepy.
1:30 pm
I move to the computer, where with a little bit of swaying, Lucas falls asleep. I check my email and start composing this blog post.
2 pm
I change him one more time and we head out the door to meet JCM at the train station to hang out before she heads home from work. We sit on the benches so she can eat lunch while watching the information board and I nurse Lucas (yes, again) while I sip an orange-pineapple-coconut smoothie.
As always, Lucas got a lot of attention while we were out. He was a real hit in the post office, where he was delighted with the bright lights overhead and the simple lines of the boxes and envelopes on display. If I thought I attracted attention when I was pregnant, it's nothing compared to now. Everyone loves a baby. (The other day, a guy on a bicycle even waved and called out "Baby!" as he rode past.)
4:30 pm
Lucas and I get back home and now he's fussy. I try changing him (multiple times) and nursing him (multiple times) and swinging him and lying him in his crib and holding him and bouncing him and carrying him around the apartment. Three hours later, just as J comes home from work, I've just given Lucas a diaper change (complete with a dusting of baby powder which he seemed to like) and brushed his hair (which elicited some smiles), and finally (of course - now that J is home) he's doing better.
8 pm
J makes dinner and just as it's ready, I am done nursing Lucas (again). Lucas is in another good mood (again!), so I lay him in the crib to admire the mobile (again) while I eat my dinner.
8:30 pm
Lucas is bored with the mobile, so J holds him and plays some Jobim, which is apparently Lucas' current favorite soothing music.
10 pm
Nurse Lucas again. Since he got home, J has been taking care of Lucas so I haven't had to do any more diaper changes and I have had a chance to process a few pictures of Lucas, finish writing this post, and continue to work on revising that abstract.
11:30 pm
Time to head to bed for some final nursing and hopefully another good night of sleep!
There is a lot to be said for the comfort and the power of getting confirmation from someone else. Mine came from two other mothers (who are not so new as me - their children are nine and eleven months) who listened to my current struggle with increasing my milk production so that I can exclusively breastfeed (i.e., no more formula supplement). One of the mothers exclusively breastfeeds and got to that point by constant nursing and making sure she was eating and drinking enough. The other never managed to exclusively breastfeed in spite of trying everything - constant nursing, using a supplemental nursing system, downing copious amounts of fenugreek and blessed thistle and kale smoothies, and eventually taking domperidone. The domperidone doubled her milk production, but still didn't get her to the point of exclusively breastfeeding.
So there's no right answer. These two mothers couldn't just tell me exactly what to do and promise that it would work. But they understood my frustration and my efforts and they just nodded and said, yes, you're doing the right thing.
I hope so because I'm not there yet. But I'm still working on it.
To start, we've really cut back on the formula supplements. Instead of automatically giving Lucas a couple of ounces after every feeding, we wait to see how he acts after nursing. If he's crying for more, then we give him some. But if not, then we don't give it to him and just stick him back on the breast when he acts hungry again. This week we're down to only giving him anywhere from zero to four ounces a day.
I've also been nursing as much as possible and have started taking Lucas to bed around 11 pm for a final night feeding. This lets him suck for as long as he wants, and if I get bored or sleepy, then I can just fall asleep. As a bonus, Lucas loves to lie close to me and he falls into such a deep sleep that I can then transfer him to the cosleeper next to our bed and he sleeps until at least 6 am (and sometimes as late as 9 am!).
Another thing I'm doing is trying to make sure I eat and drink at least a normal amount! It sounds like an obvious thing to do, but at first I was finding all of my time occupied by a baby who never sleeps during the day unless he's being held and I felt like I couldn't find the time to eat. But now I've been trying to make sure I'm eating enough, and today I stocked up at Trader Joe's on easy but healthy things to eat (like yogurt smoothies).
I've also had some beer, which is rumored to increase prolactin levels and so people think that it could increase milk supply. However, by "people", I don't mean doctors or scientists. I figured I would try it and so I had a couple of beers in the past week, and ... who knows. I'm not exactly isolating factors here and observing the effects one by one. So I really couldn't parse out the effects of beer, if any. Actually, reading about it more, it looks like there is evidence that alcohol actually decreases milk supply, even though it might make you feel fuller and you might think you are producing more. So, given that, I think I'll probably hold off on alcohol for now for the most part.
Finally, I've been taking More Milk Plus, which contains fenugreek seed, blessed thistle, nettle leaf, and fennel seed. I just ran out (I had about a third of a bottle from a friend who'd used it), but a friend picked up some fenugreek seed and blessed thistle capsules for me and I'll start using that tomorrow.
And what's the result? I really don't know! I kind of feel like I'm producing more, but not by leaps and bounds. I guess I shouldn't expect to be overflowing at this point, and that the truth is in however much supplement we still have to give him. And since that's going down, then I must be making some progress. But it's hard not to worry. I am trying to be aware of Lucas' needs and not be too driven by my own desire to exclusively breastfeed him - I don't want to starve him! So my current approach is to let him feed as much as he seems to want to when he nurses, until he finally falls off or falls asleep. If he's tugging and complaining, or if he cries a lot when we stop, then that's when we give him a little bit of supplement. Interestingly, this often happens at night - is he just being fussy? Or do I produce less milk in the evening and he truly is hungry after nursing? It's hard to know!
So you can see why hearing other mothers tell me I'm doing the right thing is nice to hear. I have enough of a dialog in my head about whether I'm doing this right. And although J is being completely supportive about my efforts, he also worries too. Neither of us want to be keeping our baby hungry!
(You might wonder why I'm not pumping in addition to nursing. Basically, I don't because I can't. If Lucas slept during the day somewhere other than in the Baby Bjorn, then maybe I could do it. But when it's just me and him, as it is during the day, then I really can't pump. The best I am managing to do is to pump in the middle of the night on the occasions I wake up due to Lucas grunting as if he is going to wake up but then he goes back to sleep. The last time I did that I got about twice as much as I used to get when I pumped. So that's a good thing, right?)
So I will continue to try. And now, Lucas and I are off to bed!
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