PhiLLy RoLL

Babies Grow Up

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow... For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow... so quiet down cobwebs... dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!!

J's mom reminded me of this cross stitch that she had displayed in the room we stayed in when we visited them recently. We didn't actually talk about it while I was there, but I read it over and over whenever I was in the bedroom nursing Squeakles.

It's not so much the part about putting off cleaning that gets to me, although it is nice to get a little affirmation that it's ok if our apartment is a disaster zone. (Oh, that's not exactly what it says?)

It's the part about babies growing up so quickly that gets to me, because every day as I watch Squeakles learn to do more and more new things, I am also a bit nostalgic for the baby that is already slipping into the past. I really try not to think about it like this because of course babies grow up and of course I want him to and, well, of course every single step he takes forward makes my life that much easier! Plus, I am getting to see more and more of his personality, and there is a part of me that just wants this development to hurry up so that I can truly interact with my Squeakles and get to know him even better. I want to hear the things he's going to say and know what he's thinking about and see the things he's going to do.

But at the same time, I'm sad that the baby days pass so quickly. So I do take the time to sit and hold him and just enjoy those moments. Two nights ago when he woke up at 6:30 - or, more accurately, when he still wasn't sleeping by 6:30 after having woken up crying every hour since 2:30 - I debated about just leaving him in his crib to cry until he fell asleep. But I didn't think I could do that without leaving the baby monitor on in our bedroom and that meant that there was no way that I (or J) would sleep. So I got back up for the millionth time and just held him a little bit. He continued to cry, but I could feel his body starting to relax. He let me hold him while sitting down, so that softened me even further (as opposed to having to stand up and bounce him until he whimpers off to sleep). As he lay in my arms and slowly (very sloooooowly) drifted off to sleep, I was glad to have that moment with him. Eventually I did put him back in his crib and I went back to sleep in my own bed. While I don't want to do that every night, it did give me some soft cuddles with him that I don't usually get during the activities of the day.

So with our new babysitter starting this week, I am more aware than ever of these moments. However, now that she's come twice, I can say confidently that I am not going to be losing moments. If anything, I am gaining them because I can work so much more productively when I go to work, and then give all my attention to Squeakles when I'm at home. Last night I cleaned up in the kitchen and living room while Squeakles either played nearby with his toys or with J. When he needed to be nursed, we rocked in the glider chair and Squeakles even took a little nap while I held him (and while J and I were in the midst of watching several episodes of The Office so that we could catch up before the new season starts.) J and I each fed him some mashed banana (which he now looooooves). And at the end of the evening, I took a bath with Squeakles and then put him to bed. I definitely didn't finish the massive cleaning effort that is needed to make our apartment actually presentable, but it helped. And it was nice to have an evening with Squeakles and J, without someone trying to work.

The new babysitter is great so far. I had thought that I would need to stay home with her for a week to train her, but I realize now that it was just my new mother's nerves that had me worrying she would need so much guidance. While she doesn't have a lot of infant experience, she has enough to be comfortable. And she seems to have good instincts, good common sense, and a very nice nature in dealing with Squeakles. He responds very well to her and even went to sleep for her on the very first day!

Well, I've rambled on long enough and now I've got to go meet up with some friends. I'm going to meet JCM's son for the first time - so exciting!

Just a Few More Minutes with My Baby

Our new babysitter is starting today. She's a college student who conveniently lives in our neighborhood and has Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays completely free. J is going to stay home with Squeakles on Tuesday (as he has been doing all along) and I am going to stay home on Thursdays, giving us each three days home with Squeakles and four days in the office. In addition to each of us still maintaining a good amount of time with Squeakles, for two thirds of that time J and I will be together at the same time as Squeakles. To make up the rest of the work time we're missing, we'll still be doing some work on the evenings and weekends, but it will be a lot less.

For on thing, I am really looking forward to the freedom this will give me to work. Working from home is actually not that bad anymore, but only when I can do it during the day. This is because Squeakles is much more content and playful during the day, whereas at night we are constantly trying to put him to bed and it's practically every hour that I have to stop working to nurse him and try to put him to sleep. We're getting better at figuring out when he's really going to go sleep and J is getting better at keeping him occupied and happy in the meantime and Squeakles is getting better at staying occupied and happy. But it's still hard. Sometimes it seems that Squeakles just needs some quiet nursing mommy time that doesn't necessarily mean going to sleep for the night. So it will be a great relief to be able to enjoy those mommy times with him in the evening without feeling like yet another work day is passing me by unproductively.

In addition to the undisturbed work time I'll be gaining, I'm also looking forward to the opportunity to clean! J and I have never had a particularly clean apartment, which has never bothered J but always drives me crazy. Since J doesn't mind the chaos and clutter, it doesn't motivate him to clean. And although I do mind, when it comes down to cleaning or doing something else, the something else usually wins out. It's not that I'm a total slacker. Often the "something else" is work. Well, or photography. But ever since Squeakles was born, the something else is always baby care. Only now, at almost seven months, is Squeakles able to play happily by himself for an extended period of time, which in theory leaves me more time to clean. But since my work hours are usually so disrupted by Squeakle-care, even when I have the "time" to clean, I usually end up hopping on my computer to see what little bit of work I can get done. (Or um, sometimes to check email.)

But most of all, what I hope we'll be gaining is more family time. I've really enjoyed my time with Squeakles, either at home or taking him out to Fitler Square, Rittenhouse Square, and the Schuylkill River Park (we tried the swings at the Markward Playground last Friday!). It's not that I always do these things alone. Often I meet up with my friend Danielle and her 15-month-old son. But it will be nice to start sharing more of these times with J as well.

The babysitter is coming today, in less than an hour! The living room really needs to be picked up. I'm still drinking my (minute amount of) coffee. And yet I am still sitting here, in my glider chair, rocking my sleeping baby. (And reaching over to the coffee table to type on my laptop.) I'd thought Squeakles was up for good this morning and just needed to nurse because he was hungry, but he's fallen asleep again. It's not like I won't have moments like this again, but I fear them getting fewer and fewer as I start to go to work more often in the mornings, and so for now I just continue rocking, holding on to these few minutes more with my baby.

Perseverence

Since Squeakles hasn't gotten sick on the banana we've given him and since it's such a mild and sweet food, we thought we'd just keep trying it with him. The other day we gave it to him when he was probably a bit hungry (but not ravenous) and not in need of a nap, and he enjoyed it! Then today, when J was snacking, Squeakles started acting like he wanted to eat too. This time I photographed it.

As usual, his first reaction was somewhat suspicious.

But he was willing to try it.

He then looked over at me, as if to check that we really did mean for him to eat it.

Then he started to like it.

And to actually eat it. So cute!

He even finished off whatever had stuck to his hands or his bib.

Success!

Florida Beach

As we're enjoying the lovely cool temperatures of early fall here in Philadelphia, I thought I would post pictures from our trip last week to the Florida gulf coast.

We stayed in a house right on the beach, courtesy of a friend of J's mom.

It was a lovely private beach, and for some reason it was almost entirely empty the entire time. (Maybe because it is September?)

Squeakles walked on the beach,

and delighted in the water as it came up over his feet.

But as you can see, because of Hurricane Ike just a few days before, the waves were a little big for a six and a half month old.

It only rained once, ending with a beautiful rainbow. (Actually, it's a double rainbow. Can you see the second rainbow on top?)

We also saw a beautiful sunset.

The End.

Bananas

Squeakles grew up in the past couple of weeks. He's almost seven months old already! It's amazing how quickly he is developing.

He now sits by himself.

And he says "ba" and "ma" (if he was old enough, can you guess who he'd be voting for? :) ) The way he says these first syllables (actually, he also says "bom" and "mom") is so cute - he pulls his lips tight and then seems to really enjoy the vibration on his lips as he says them over and over.

And he's got a sense of humor and playfulness now. He really interacts with us, anticipates things we do when playing with him, gives and exchanges smiles, and laughs when we do something funny or unexpected.

Given such big kid skills, we thought we'd try "solid" food again. So far we'd tried four times previously - the first time was oatmeal which he loooooooved, the second time was oatmeal that he liked and then threw up for hours, the third time was oatmeal that he was very suspicious of and then threw up for hours, and the four time was bananas and breastmilk that he was rather uninterested in. But last night after a bath, when it was clear that he was not tired (even though we were ready for him to go to bed!), we tried again. The previous bananas had been pretty ripe, so I thought that maybe he'd like the better bananas we had on hand.

We (me and my parents who were visiting last night) put him in his high chair and spoon fed him some mashed bananas and breastmilk. We didn't have the camera ready, or the video camera running, and just let him do what he wanted with the spoon. I hoped it would be more of an event than it turned out to be, but the good news is that he actually took some into his mouth and didn't push it away. I really don't think he ingested much (if any), but he was willing to taste it several times, so that's a start.

Pictures from Lake Tahoe

After a spate of vacationing, we are getting back to normal life.

First, we went to Lake Tahoe.

We went to beautiful Sand Harbor,

where Squeakles got his feet wet,

and the trees smelled like vanilla.

We saw some bent trees.

And some crooked trees.

And some amazing views while hiking.

And we then we headed away from Lake Tahoe and took a train ride through the arid hills. I took this picture shortly before the train whistle terrified Squeakles and I ended up having to nurse him throughout the rest of the trip to keep him calm. It wasn't the best $10 I've ever spent.

But Squeakles' day got better when we stopped for ice cream and he got to brush his hand back and forth along the fascinating textured wall.

Finally, in the airport while waiting for our flight home, Squeakles practiced standing.

I'll upload some pictures from Florida next, but right now I need to extract a sleeping Squeakles from his father's arms and attempt to move him to his crib. Although he slept fairly well last night, he was also very tired throughout the day today. I kept trying to leave the house, but every time I thought Squeakles was done sleeping, he'd start to get whiny and then I'd catch him rubbing his eyes (actually, it's more of a dramatic sweep of the back of his hand across his whole face) and sure enough, I was able to put him down for another nap. He's much better after this Florida trip than the Nevada trip, but even so, I think these trips take a lot out of him and he needs a few days to recover.

Uh, what was that about running?

I have a confession to make. I haven't been running in about three weeks!

I know, I was the one who made a big deal about starting the Couch-to-5K program and got a bunch of you motivated. But then I wasn't feeling well. And then we went to Lake Tahoe. (But I hiked!) And then I was so tired when we got back. And now we're going out of town again tonight. Excuses, excuses, right? Well, I'm bringing my running shoes with me on this trip, so I should be able to get started again.

In the meantime, how have the rest of you been doing?

There's at least one person I'm aware of who's been running regularly. If you look in the 2008 Couch-to-5K photo album I set up, there is a picture of her Week 1 prize. (Actually, she got the blue notebook. The yellow notebook is reserved for Amber who was very close to finishing Week 1 but then she got sick. But since we're going to be visiting her this weekend, I'm hoping to convince her to come out running with us and finish off her first week...)

Su sent me a Week 1 prize as well, but I haven't had a chance to take a picture of it so I will add it later. Maybe I'll post that when I send Su her Week 3 prize which I already owe her (yes, she's leaving us all in the dust).

In addition to the people who've responded on this blog, I've actually gotten some email from people who have found this blog when they were looking for the Couch-to-5K program. I would love to be able to motivate them further by, you know, actually doing some running myself. So I'm glad they found me and will keep me honest!

On My Mind

I've been meaning to write something here for days, but can never seem to quite find the time / motivation. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just tired.

I feel a little bit like I can't quite focus on what I need to do or what I should do. I find myself thinking of sleep more often than usual.

It's not that my nights are totally disrupted anymore. Maybe it's that I am so tantalizingly close to a full night's sleep, but never quite get it. Squeakles was not sleeping very well after we got back from Tahoe; at the beginning of this week he was staying up until 2 am and all day long he was cranky and tired but couldn't settle down for a nap. He's been getting back to a regular schedule all week and is now back to his happy (napping) self during the day, and last night he went to sleep before midnight (but then woke up again and it took forever to get him back to sleep, although all he did in the meantime was cry and rub his eyes). I guess the reason I'm tired is that he still tends to wake up every two to three hours - last night he finally went to sleep around 12:45 am and then woke up again at 2:30 and 5:30. Each waking takes me twenty minutes to nurse him back to sleep. After the 5:30 waking, however, he slept four hours until 9:30 and now, an hour later, he's still sleeping.

I think I deal pretty well with sleep deprivation, but of course, it still takes its toll. I notice it when I try to talk to people and suddenly realize that it takes a lot of brain power to communicate normally - to sound interested, to follow their train of thought, to contribute to the conversation, etc. I actually have to pay conscious attention to these things. I also notice it when I try to work, although I actually find it easier to work than to talk to people. I think it's because I can move ahead at my own pace.

And it's also taking its toll on my desire to exercise. J and I haven't been running since before we went to Tahoe. He hasn't been pushing me to go out, and I haven't been bringing it up either. So it's like we had this unspoken agreement to slack off on that this past week. I really should get back to it next week. I'd like to say that I want to get back to it, but it might not happen like that. But I can force it if I need to.

The other things occupying my mind are:

• We're going to visit J's family on Wed (staying through the weekend). It will be great when we are there (assuming no major hurricanes or tropical storms), but to prepare we have to pack, find someone to take care of the cats, and try to get a lot of work done so the time away doesn't hurt us.
• I've been trying to clean the house, but it still looks like a battle zone. With my parents help the week before we went to Tahoe, we made some progress. It's definitely better than before. But cleaning the surface just exposes the layers underneath that need cleaning / organizing. However, I will say that Squeakles has finally reached a point where thinking about cleaning the house while also watching him is possible. This is a big, big relief. I don't feel quite as overwhelmed anymore.
• We have a potential babysitter, but we are still waiting to hear back from her reference. I am really hoping the reference will say wonderful things about her and we will hire her without a second thought. Her schedule works perfectly with ours and she's a college student, which is what I really wanted. So we'll see. We're waiting for the reference to get back from vacation.
• I ordered new glasses and I'm really hoping they will be ready before we leave this week. When I ordered them, I forgot to ask if they could be ready by Wednesday (it was a combination of my tired delirium and the fact that they'd blinded me with their pupil dilation drops).
• I'm finally going to try to write up my dissertation work. I really need to get some publications out and I think I can finally handle looking back at my dissertation. It's no secret that I wasn't delighted with my dissertation, so writing it up for publication has felt like such an onerous task. I really preferred to just move forward with new, better, and more interesting research. Well, now I've done that and we're writing up my post-doc research now for publication (and it's so much more enjoyable). Anyway, for whatever reason - perhaps because I'm facing job application season right now - I'm feeling more motivated and positive about writing up my dissertation.
• I'm hoping for rain.
• I might switch to Chrome. I'm tired of losing all of my open tabs in Firefox whenever a particular page doesn't open. Even though the crashing might have to do with Windows Vista (I blame everything on Vista, not because I know that it's the root cause, but because at least with the browser crashing, it happens a lot more on Vista than it ever did before with XP), it's the Firefox tabs I lose. Supposedly Chrome allows only the offending tab to crash, while maintaining the other tabs. ... Hm, just downloaded it and it's not working at all. Maybe I need to restart? Well, in the meantime, I'll stick with Firefox.