Sentimental Seadragon

Due Date

I'm glad I got that "awe" post out of the way because now my attention is back to immediate concerns.

First, I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and it was the first one where she did more than weigh me, ask me how I'm doing, and ask me to leave a urine sample. (Incidentally, why is leaving a urine sample always last on their minds?! I've taken to just going in and leaving a sample before the doctor calls me so that I don't have to get weighed and questioned while all I'm thinking about is how much I have to pee.)

Anyway, she checked my cervix, telling me that it might hurt a little, and yes indeed it did, but it was quick and I'm sure labor is a thousand times more painful. Afterwards she said, rather breezily, "Well, you're two centimeters dilated, so I would say that you'll probably give birth anywhere from the next two to three days to the next two to three weeks." I said, oh okay, and then, "WHAT?!" Because I had the date of March 15th etched into my brain, as well as the notion that women and supposedly first-time mothers often give birth later than their due date. So I was thinking one to five weeks, with more of an emphasis on three to five weeks from now. Not two to three days!

Now, granted, it's a total guessing game and it really still could be up to five weeks. But it really affected me to hear her say that and I think my voice got all shaky for the rest of the appointment.

Then, continuing to freak me out, she mentioned that she touched the top of the baby's head!! I said feebly, but, uh, isn't there a mucus plug in the way or something? And she said yes, but it's not all that thick. She also pointed out that she was really touching the amniotic sac and not his head directly. Still, I found it amazing, if not a little scary!

So J and I called our families that night to let them know that it could be sooner rather than later. Everyone is on alert now even though, really, it's entirely possible that I'm not going to go into labor before my due date. I've tried to research this online to see whether there is any correlation between dilation and the onset of labor and I can't find anything. I even searched academic journals through Medline. It's possible that I'm horrible at doing keyword searches, but I really couldn't find anything. Basically it sounds like the cervix starts dilating when labor is coming, but I can't find anything about a correlation between when it starts and/or how much it dilates and the timing of the onset of labor. I guess if I wasn't dilated then the doctor wouldn't assume labor was coming soon, but at the same time, I'm not sure that seeing me a little bit dilated really tells us much of anything new.

But of course, this has all made me a bit suggestable to the idea of going into labor sooner rather than later...

The next day I was really drained at work and left on the first shuttle bus I could take home. By the time I got home, I was so tired that I changed my clothes, got into bed to sleep, and tearily called J to tell him I was home (he was still at work). I was so tired I could hardly sleep, but eventually I fell asleep - for half an hour before the doorbell rang. It was Fed Ex delivering our new infant car seat (thanks Mom and Dad!).

Having woken up, I was then really uncomfortable and my lower back was aching a lot. I tried to sit in J's arm chair and watch tv, but I couldn't get comfortable. So I moved to the couch and tried a bunch of positions, and the only one that helped at all was getting on my hands and knees and arching my back, but even that didn't make the pain go away.

Eventually J came home and gave me a back massage, which helped a bit but didn't make it go away. I spent the rest of the evening on the couch very uncomfortable, but trying to relax. Around midnight J suggested we go to bed, and I figured what difference does it make where I'm lying down. But actually, I slept a couple of hours once in bed, until of course, I had to get up to pee.

Now at 2 in the morning, I still had the back pain and I was so frustrated that I decided I was done lying around because it obviously wasn't helping. So I got online and started looking up "back pain" and "third trimester" and after a while, I discovered something called "back labor". I wasn't feeling anything like contractions, but I was looking for any explanation for the prolonged back pain. After reading a bit, I thought, you know if this turns out to be early labor, then I'd better pack a bag for the hospital! So I got up and started gathering all my things, and as I walked around, the back pain seemed perhaps a little bit less but I felt some tightening every now and then in the lower front of my abdomen that kind of felt like menstrual cramps - just as the websites had described!

But nothing worsened and I started to get really tired, so I figured I'd better head back to bed. If I was going to go into labor, I would find out and in the meantime, I'm sure it would be better to sleep. And if it wasn't labor, then I really should just get back to bed. Lying down I continued to feel the back pain and sometimes, the pain in the lower front, but as nothing worsened and I grew sleepier, I just fell asleep. Each time I got up to pee, I didn't feel any better or any worse, and then by the time I woke up for real (around noon - thankfully I'd already made plans to stay home from work on Friday), the back pain was gone.

I talked to a nurse at my doctor's office on Friday (I had to call to make an appointment anyway) and she says it sounds like normal third trimester back pains. Part of me wants some other explanation because that's the first time I've had persistent back pains like that, but at the same time, the pain hasn't come back and I'm not in labor, so she's probably right!

A good result of all of this is that it's giving me the kick in the butt that I need to really get everything ready for the trip to the hospital and our return home with the baby. I have felt like it's still a bit far off, partially because of the due date being in March and partially because our upcoming baby shower isn't until next weekend. So we haven't bought a lot of stuff in the meantime - for example, we don't even have sheets for the crib or bassinet (actually, we don't even have the bassinet for that matter - it's in Florida with J's parents). The less stuff we have out and ready for the baby, the less imminent birth has seemed. And really, it's fine that there are things we still don't have. I'm sure J or my parents could run to the store at some point and pick up the sheets from our registry if it turns out that I give birth tomorrow or something. What's not fine is that we really do have more cleaning / organizing to do, so let's hope I don't go into labor tomorrow!

Awe

Okay, I have finally reached awe. I've experienced it in bits and pieces over the course of this pregnancy, but at the same time, pregnancy has been such an immediate experience that I haven't really been able to step back and just think about it all. I've focused on the symptoms, or the things that still need to get done, or learning about what to do with a newborn. But I haven't really stepped back and just let the awe wash over me.

***

I am in awe that my body has been able to stretch to such unbelievable widths and it all looks quite natural. I don't even have stretch marks, but even if I did, I think I would still be amazed. I mean, it's not like my skin is pulled so taught it's painful. It just grew. (Now let's hope that it knows how to shrink.)

I am kind of in awe that I am able to carry this mass around with me. I was looking in the mirror at Motherhood Maternity today as I tried on nursing bras and I got a full body view of myself. I do have a full length mirror at home, but I guess I haven't really stood there looking for long enough in amazement at what I've become. I have a huge belly now and when I look at it sideways, well, it's no wonder my back hurts! In fact, I'm kind of proud of my back for not hurting more.

I am in awe that there is a real baby living inside of me. All day he's been moving around in there. When I was only about six months along, his sudden jabbing movements made me uncomfortable / surprised, but now at eight months his movements are much smoother and more fluid. Even when he kicks his feet out, it's slower and I can usually feel it coming, as his butt pushes my belly out in the opposite direction. (Well, okay, I don't really know what's moving where, but this is a best guess.)

I am in awe that I am going to give birth. And breastfeed. I mean, these aren't things that you just decide to do - like deciding to go for a run, or to sit down, or to do cartwheels or whatever. They just happen. Somehow my body knows what to do and when to do it (hopefully).

And these are the awe-inspiring things that I can put into words. There's so much more that it's hard to even describe in words. I mean "starting a family" sounds like, I don't know, like graduating from college or deciding to get married or something. But I think that this is so much bigger. This baby will completely depend on us to love him, feed him, help him grow up ... We made the conscious decision to take that on and we're ready to do this, but at the same time, it really blows my mind.

***

I have no idea why I reached awe tonight rather than any other day.

This morning I woke up early than I wanted to and couldn't go back to sleep, and after watching J sleep for twenty minutes (so cute!) I decided that it wasn't worth trying to find a comfortable position anymore so I might as well just get up. (I really have to take a picture sometime of my ridiculous but essential five-pillows-plus-a-towel body support system I've rigged up.)

I started researching more baby gear online and then armed with all the reviews I'd read, in the afternoon, J and I went out to Babies R Us to look at things like glider chairs and baby carriers and to Motherhood Maternity for nursing bras. (Incidentally, nursing bras have such a cool design. I thought they would just have a hook at the top of the bra cup instead of the usual back or front hook, but actually, there's a whole built-in section to the bra so that when you unhook the cup, there's a piece that still holds everything in place. Very cool. Oh, and for those of you who might be in the market for a nursing bra soon, let me tell you that the nursing bras at Motherhood Maternity, while not cheap, were half as much as the ones at Mimi Maternity. Which also reminds me, and sorry for the giant digression here, but I really have to share this - a nurse at our childbirth class tipped us off to Hackley Healthcare Equipment where you can get a Medela breastpump for $80 less than they cost at Babies R Us or Amazon.)

Uh, what was I talking about? ... Right, shopping. Anyway, it was kind of tiring today. I was stupid and wore my cute flats instead of my supportive running shoes. Overall, I felt big and heavy and like I just wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon in one of those recliner glider chairs (this one is "only" $670 when you buy it together with the ottoman, but I'm telling you, if you sit in it you will want to just live there, reclining like that, forever). But then at Target (where J and I were ogling the giant LCD and plasma tv's, totally off our mission of looking for baby things) I got a nice compliment from a woman passing by me with her friend, who noticed me and said, "You look cute." And there I was in my giant maternity winter coat feeling anything but cute. Until that moment. Wasn't that sweet?

So how all of this led to awe about our baby, I really don't know. But it's there. And it's very nice. I'm not worrying about the birth. I'm not worrying about how the baby is doing in there. At this moment, I'm not really worrying at all. I'm just ... happy and amazed.

It Keeps Going Up

This picture is part of my pregnancy documentation photo project. This is me on the scale one morning, about a week and a half ago. (Guess what, I weigh even more now. And that scale runs a bit light - I'm not telling how much though!)

I kind of love my old pilled pink striped socks (in fact, I'm wearing them again right now). And those black maternity sweatpants are the best pants I have ever, ever owned. And then that blur in the front is my belly. I actually had to lean forward with the camera in order to see over my belly to take a picture of the scale.

There's a part of me that really cringes about my weight, because I actually imagined myself totally svelte throughout this pregnancy. (Not that I even started it svelte.) But I thought I would run through the whole thing and be super healthy, and well, it's not that I'm not eating healthy, but it's maybe more accurate to say that I have a healthy appetite. And I gave up running pretty early in the first trimster once the fatigue hit. Now I just waddle around, grunting. So much for the movie star image I had in mind for myself!

Anyway, for the most part I try not to worry about my weight because there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I walk about a mile a day to work (more if I have other errands or appointments, and none at all if I work from home). And most of the time I bring my lunch (e.g., fruit, yogurt, salad, peanut butter and jelly).

However, it is strange to see that scale creeping up, especially since the most I'd ever previously weighed in my life was 132 (yes, I remember the exact number). So to see the scale at 140 lbs...!! It's hard to believe it's me. Well, okay, so it's me and the baby. And some amniotic fluid and extra blood, and uh, yeah, some body fat.

Watching Sports Like a Man

Last night I settled into what was previously J's big comfy arm chair (my less big, less comfy arm chair is particularly uncomfortable now) to watch the US-Mexico game (soccer). In the spirit of relaxing, I cracked open a ginger beer.

I thought to myself, hm, doesn't ginger bring on contractions or something? Well, maybe, who knows, but what it really brought on was serious heartburn. I hardly drank past the neck and my esophagus was burning. (It's probably not ginger per se, but carbonation and the spicyness of the ginger beer.) So instead of sitting back and relaxing, I spent the rest of the game on the edge of my seat, letting out some very manly belches. I guess that's how you're supposed to watch sports though, huh?

Orange Juice

I took some "pregnancy" related pictures yesterday and this morning, but I'm not sure it's obvious what some of them are if you don't know why I took them. But it was good to start trying to take pictures of things other than Philadelphia skylines (which is what you'll see on my photoblog on Monday), things which are meaningful to me in some way, and let me tell you, orange juice is really important to me right now.

It's funny because I never really liked orange juice before. I always thought it was just ok, unless it had pulp, and then it was definitely not ok. It's probably a good thing I didn't care for it, because orange juice is pretty expensive.

But then I got pregnant and suddenly I became obsessed with fruit and over the months, it has pretty much narrowed to eating oranges and drinking orange juice. In fact, I've even dreamed about it. (It was a really boring dream, in which I was looking at a gallon of orange juice in my refrigerator and telling my friend how much I wished I could just drink it all, but that I knew I shouldn't.)

What's funny about this picture is that I was trying to convey brightness and orange and citrus and all the yumminess about orange juice, but I also wanted to convey how much I really wanted this orange juice and how disappointed I was that what was in the cup was the end of the orange juice I had on hand. I have no idea how to convey all that in a picture of orange juice, and honestly, in that moment, I really just wanted to drink it. But I'd promised myself I would take a picture of it before I drank it.

To set up the picture, I had to pull back our big heavy curtains to let some light in the room and then I had to try to compose it so that various things didn't get in the background, like if I stood back a little bit, the heater along the floor or one of our speakers would get in the shot. And I hadn't put in my contacts yet, so I was trying to see through the viewfinder with my glasses which doesn't work well for some reason. And the cup is a frosted white, so it's difficult to see whether it's actually in focus or not. (Or was that because of my glasses?) And I was using my 50 mm lens, which doesn't let me focus any closer than this, so I kept having to back up from whatever composition I actually had in mind. And I just really, really wanted to drink the orange juice instead of photographing it! Eventually, I couldn't stand it any more and drank the juice.

I don't think this picture says all that though. Probably someone should have been photographing me photographing the juice and my desperation would have been very apparent.

Ultrasound III: Baby Looks Normal

J and I spent two hours at the hospital yesterday (one hour of it in the waiting room), getting an ultrasound to find out that our baby is growing totally normally, as expected. He's head down, but we already knew that. (Unfortunately, he was also face down so we couldn't see him.) And the spot where I feel all the kicks is his butt (and presumably also his legs when he extends them to kick me). I laughed when the doctor said that because that's where J always tries to talk to him - now he knows that he's been talking to his butt the whole time. :)

They meaured his arm and leg bones and they are within range. Then, based on his measurements, they estimated that he weighs about 4.5 lbs (also normal). Add in the weight of amniotic fluid and the placenta and all of that and I bet I've got me a small bowling ball. Imagine carrying that around all day and all night.

(Actually, I did go bowling while I was in Florida. I don't think I was particularly graceful. I probably would have had better luck at getting those pins down if I'd just rolled myself down that alley.)

Anyway, truthfully the weight is not all that terrible, especially since I tend to sit a lot at work. And now I'm wearing my running shoes whenever I walk back and forth to work and that makes a shockingly big difference in how I feel. Also, now that I have my new sleeping arrangement, the weight at night is not bad either. It's hard to turn over, but once I've moved, I'm usually good for a couple of hours.

But we'll see. This baby is going to keep on growing for another two more months!

Preparing for Baby

One of my blogger friends told me that my posts are "compelling", and I had to laugh given the detailed description I gave in my last post about how I arrange my pillows when I sleep. Even as I posted it, I was thinking, who in the world is going to care about this? But since he found it so apparently riveting, I thought I would post an update.

It turns out, fortunately!, that it was not the freezing cold temperatures that made me sleep better. Our heat was fixed the next day (loose wire on the boiler) and yet I'm still sleeping well.

Secondly, it has to be the new pillow arrangement. Now when I wake up I feel pretty normal. I mean, yeah, I'm a little grumpy because I was sleeping and don't want to get up again to pee, but happily, I don't hurt all over. Except for once last night. That was when I'd somehow (in my sleep maybe?) changed the pillows so that both were lying horizontally under my head, raising my head a lot and leaving the rest of me lying flat. I moaned and groaned with the aches as I got up to pee and then returned to bed, but I put the pillows back into their new position and when I woke up in the morning I felt just fine. I'm so glad to have a solution to this! I was getting a little worried about what the next two months of sleeping would be like.

In addition to the new sleeping arrangement, I've had lots of other pregnancy related activities this week.

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday - nothing exciting, just a regular checkup.

Tonight J and I went to another childbirth class. This one was on breathing and labor and I'd hoped to find it super helpful, but I guess I did the wrong thing by briefly looking up breathing techniques on the internet the night before, which meant that everything I heard in the class was what I'd already read. Granted, I hadn't previously heard someone demonstrate long "cleansing" breaths or short pants, but truly, they are not elusive concepts. I'm really not sure about continuing this class. We're halfway through and the remaining three classes are on newborn care, anesthesiology, and breastfeeding. I don't know. One thing that is sort of nice is that we are getting the perspective of our hospital and a pretty clear picture of exactly where to go and how things run there and that's something I can't get from reading books.

And then tomorrow we are getting a growth scan (another ultrasound). I mentioned this one before - it's the one my doctor ordered because I was measuring 2 cm "small". Well, since then my measurements are just where they're supposed to be, so my doctor is not at all concerned. I think she just likes to get extra scans done, and since this is already scheduled, then why not. I'm curious to know if the baby will look any different this time compared to the last time.

In addition to these doctor's appointments, another way that J and I have been preparing for the baby is by starting to reorganize the apartment. Unfortunately, right now that means it is in an even worse state than usual! But we went to Ikea on Monday and we now have a couple other pieces of furniture that give us more storage. We previously had our projector (tv) on a black metal file cabinet in the living room, but we bought a tv unit with three shelves and glass doors (to keep prying babies out). In the office, we had lots of stuff either in boxes or strewn around or piled up, so we bought an extra bookcase. (In fact, J is hammering it together right now.) And we're also getting rid of a broken futon (it wouldn't open beyond a "couch" position) that served its purpose in our office, but now we're turning half of the room into the baby's room so we need the space. And I've been cleaning out a dresser I have in the office (e.g., finding a new place to put all my photography stuff), trying to make room for all the baby clothes we have, for diapers, etc. Oh, and we bought a little blow-up changing pad that we're going to put on top of the dresser and use it as a changing table. I think the only major piece of furniture we have left to buy is a rocker/glider. The rest of what we have to do around the apartment is cleaning and organizing.

Of course, we haven't had a single weekend free to do any of this since, um, October maybe? Every weekend since then has been filled by one or both of us being away or by having visitors. Not that we don't love our visitors or the people we're visiting! It's just that we haven't had much time to actually do many of the things we still need to do. This weekend my parents are coming, and I'm hoping they'll be understanding of the current state of our place! After that weekend, we have one more weekend of visitors - either the next weekend or the one after that. And we might have a Superbowl party, but that would just be one afternoon. And there's a possibility of a baby shower (not sure if that is happening or not), but of course, that wouldn't be a whole weekend either. But other than all of that (and work of course, including a grant application that I have to submit before the baby comes), we're practically swimming in free time until the baby gets here! I say that sort of tongue in cheek, but actually it's true that we'll have free weekends and that it will be enough time to finish up the things we have left to do. But I have to say, I'm almost wondering if I will feel less busy when the baby is born. (Ha ha, I'm sure I'll come back to that line and just laugh my head off for even thinking that.)

Sleep Success

No, it's not that I have suddenly started sleeping through the night. But I may have found a solution to the heavy body aches I have every time I wake up (each time I get up to go to the bathroom during the night and in the morning when I finally drag myself out of bed for real). Here is what I've been doing so far that hasn't worked: sleeping on my left side (the entire web assures me that this is best for me and the baby because lying on your back or right side reduces blood flow to the heart), putting a little pillow under my belly in case its weight is pulling on my back, putting a pillow between my legs to support my hips, and putting a second pillow under my head.

Last night I got rid of the pillows between my legs and under my belly, and I didn't worry about staying on my left side all night. I kept a second pillow under my head, but the top pillow I laid perpendicular to the bottom one so that if I was lying on my back I was on a slight slope and if I was lying on my side I could put an arm under it and hug it so that I'd be more supported. I woke up once (or twice maybe?) to go to the bathroom and had almost no body aches, and this morning I feel fine. Yay! My theory is that it's the slope that helped my blood flow.

Of course, there's another possibility, which is that heat is my problem. As of yesterday (just as temperatures dipped below freezing in Philadelphia), our heat stopped working so it's been really cold in here. So although our poor guests from Florida are freezing and walking around with their coats and gloves on in our apartment, maybe the colder air was good for my sleeping. But hopefully our heat will get fixed today (please, please I hope that maintenance isn't off on MLK Day!), and so I'll get a chance to test these two possibilities. Either way, it was nice to wake up feeling almost normal!

Sleeping

It's been a long time since I have slept through the night. About seven months in fact. But it's not like I have to stay up with a crying, hungry baby yet. So far I just wake up feeling really achy, I get up to go to the bathroom, and then I try to get settled back in bed. Now that Vladimir (or whoever he is) is kicking in a way I can feel and now that I'm getting bigger, getting re-settled in bed is becoming more difficult. I'm beginning to need to come up with some system of pillows that support my back and hips. (The other night I had a dream that I was getting sores along my hips and the sides of my legs. It's not actually true of course, thankfully.)

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, my trip to the bathroom coincided with the baby kicking me in the same place he always kicks me. It's not like it's actually getting sore, but it's a little bit tender and it's hard to fall back asleep when he does that. J was very sweet, not getting mad at me for waking him up, and instead putting his hand on my belly to feel the bumping around. Then he decided to tell the baby that it was time to go back to sleep, so he put his face up to my skin and asked him, nicely, to stop. In reply, the baby kicked him in the face.

I can't even remember if he stopped kicking after that because it was just so funny.

Names

BabyCenter has just released their list of the top names of 2007. It turns out that the name I actually cried over when I heard my cousin wanted to use it for their baby if it's a boy, is the number one name of 2007. I don't even know if we would have used that name because J hasn't been thrilled about it, but I had thought it sounded trendy yet still unique and I really liked it. (Plus, I liked that one of J's sisters had suggested it to us.) But now that I know that name is so popular, I'm really leaning against it. I think J is relieved.

Looking over the list, I see other names that I liked that are also high on the list. And it's making me realize that if my criteria is cool yet unique names, that I can't go by my own experiences. Just because I don't know any guys named Aiden, Ethan, or Jacob (to pick the top three on the BabyCenter list) only means that those names weren't popular in the 70's when all my friends were born. I don't know many people with kids and, in spite of what you'd expect given my research interests, I am not actually testing that many kids, so I don't really have a clue what the popular names are today. Earlier this morning I read that a name that J likes that is actually the name of a character on a popular tv show of the same name. But how would we know that - we don't watch children's tv! Maybe I should use a little reverse psychology and pick from the top names in the 70's and then I would be assured a currently unique name. :)

Not that our baby's name is exclusively my decision. J's been very involved in looking for names and even bought a huge book of 100,001 names, and I think he's read through it about three times already. But so far we haven't hit upon a name that we both really like. We have some choices that overlap, but we keep having different personal favorites.

I'm being deliberately vague here about our previous and current favorite names for a few reasons, the main one being the overlap in choice of name with my cousin. I don't think she even reads this blog regularly, but just in case she's leaning towards another name and it's a name that I'm also currently leaning towards, I just don't want to have to go through the turmoil of worrying about who "gets" to use it. I also don't want to put Ianqui through that since she doesn't yet know if they're having a girl or a boy.

I do really want to have the name picked out soon. For months we have been calling this baby Vladimir, but not because we like or intend to use the name. In fact, at first, the fact that I didn't like the name was a good thing because I could blame Vladimir for my fatigue without feeling like I was really blaming my child - it's not our baby doing this to me, it's the curse of Vladimir! But now as the due date gets closer and I feel and see his little body parts pushing against my skin and I see other previously pregnant bloggers I had been reading now giving birth to real human babies (not little nonvaible embryos like I used to imagine inside of me), I'm really starting to understand that there is a real person inside of me. A real child - our child - and I want him to have a name.

I never really thought much about names until we named our cats. But now when I say Tako or Koji, I mean those specific little furry creatures that I love. And now we use their names as adjectives for their personality characteristics whenever we see them in other people; we'll comment about how someone is "such a Tako" or "totally a Koji". It's not that I really love those names, but they are more than a label for our black cat or our striped cat. So I guess that's why I want a name for our baby soon because I want to be able to talk to and about him in an endearing way, and not in an impersonal way by referring to "our baby" or even Vladimir, which I know is just a stand in.

Maybe I should get cracking on that list of 100,001 names...